What Do You Do?

What do you do with footage of babies being babies? Jazz them up a bit. I carried Emaline around with the video camera for a while. When I watched it, I was like, "Oh, great, it's my daughter doing nothing while some jerk shoves a camera in her face."
Then I thought, I could make this work.

Cherishing Every Minute

Aimee and I are always reminding each other how perfect it was that the twins were born at the beginning of the summer. We are both able to be home with them. This may mean one of us gets to nap a little longer, or one can go to the grocery store. It allows us to update this blog, and video the kids. This morning Aimee worked out the yard while I fed the babies. Yesterday, I bathed the dog while she fed the babies. We get to have shared memories of their first couple of months of life. Lucky, lucky.

Because the twins are so advanced, they have been able to take on adult responsibilities such as Keillor's acting and space travel, and Emaline's modeling and boxing. We have been criticized for letting them grow up too quickly, but we feel that we need to grab these opportunities as they come. I know the twins feel the same.

The Gemini that Emaline is, she has dropped boxing and has gone back to modeling, filming this ad for the baby perfume (Eu du petite toilette) Baby Face. Please enjoy.

Keillor's in Space, Emaline's in the Ring

Inspired by his David Bowie onesie, Keillor has decided that he wants to be an astrotot. Of course, when he went on his first voyage, he didn’t just bring the one outfit, but many ch-ch-ch-changes. We sent him with SpaceMilk, which is really just freeze-dried breast milk that comes in a vacuum pack. He discovered that he could use his Dr. Brown’s vented bottle to transmit data back to earth. We hope to hear from him soon. Click on the image below to enlarge.

On the Emaline front, she has given up baby modeling for a more full-contact career in tot boxing. She was inspired by her mommy’s skills at Wii boxing. A member of the BBLA, Baby Boxing League of America, she is set to fight the World Diaperweight Champion, Lila “The Queen” King. Aimee almost put the kibosh on the whole boxing thing after Emaline came home with a black eye (The black eye is courtesy of Photoshop--Aimee made me put that), a diamond earring, and a tattoo, but she just looks so darn cute.

Sleep--Lovely Sleep

All of the books say to keep the twins on the same eating and sleeping schedule. If one wakes up, wake the other one up. When one eats, feed the other. Since they are supposed to eat every three hours, the idea was to get them on a 9, 12, 3, 6, 9 schedule. We would get them up, change their diapers, feed them, put them down, rinse and repeat. This is supposed to keep us from being up all night. Until last night, the twins cared not about whatever schedule we tried to impose on them. Keillor might wake up after an hour, screaming as if he had not eaten in days. Emaline would be sound asleep, but we would wake her up to eat with her brother. She would then not go back to sleep.
The strict schedule out, we would just follow the lead of the baby who woke up first. This might have worked for a day or so. They were best during the day. They would eat at the same time and sleep at the same time.
Our little vampire babies came alive at night. Once, when I picked Emaline up to change her, she tried to attach to my neck. I had to check for pointy gums.
Our headstrong tots were in control, and they didn't want us to sleep at night.
That is until yesterday. We fed them at 11:30 p.m., put them down at midnight, and they slept soundly without a peep until 3:30 when they woke up at the same time. We fed them, put them back to bed at 4 a.m., and they woke up at 7:30 a.m. Was the curse of the screamy preemies broken? Will we get sleep tonight? Only time will tell.

Photos galore at Picasa.

Ever since we moved to Wilmore, the water maple in the front yard has towered precariously over the house, dropping limbs during every storm.
Because most of the tree hangs over the nursery, we paid big bucks to have it removed. We no longer have to worry about the tree crashing down on our babies.
After taking down half of the tree, the tree guy said, "I'm surprised this tree hasn't come down on your house. It's hollow."
Of course, now there is no shade at all on that side of the house. I'd rather have bright sun in the morning than a crushed house.

Feeding the Tot

Keillor and I took part in the filming of a documentary for Baby Discovery Channel. Below is the final cut of the documentary as it will appear. The money we earned from this project allowed Keillor to quit his day job washing dishes. He will remain the house screamer for the graveyard shift, much to the displeasure of his parents.

Because of the heat from the lights, the filmmakers could not use breast milk, but instead used Elmer's glue. The glue maintains its viscosity and color under the lights, unlike the milk, which appears yellow. The production company doctor said that Keillor should pass the glue with no problem, and that it may prepare him for eating paste later in life.

Additionally, the director thought that we should use a baby wig on Keillor as his hair is still coming in. Aimee balked at that idea, so we opted for Just for Babies hair tint to make his locks seem fuller and more radiant.

Child Exploitation

Due to the struggling economy and the price of diapers, Keillor was forced to get a job to earn his keep in the Mau house. They ain't just givin' breast milk away, kid.

We had to find a place that ignored child labor laws, so we went on Craigslist.

And I thought Craigslist was just for robbing hookers.

Keillor ended up scoring a great j.o.b. at BottleBrushers, an establishment that cleans and sanitizes bottles and accessories. In the photo, you can see Keillor is embarrassed, but hard working. Donning his infant hair net and Cool Cat dish washing bib, he toiled for eight hours straight.

Emaline found less dish-pan-handsy employment as a baby bath towel model. The modeling agency said she is a bit too chubby for the Calvin Klein towels, so we are trying to get her back down to her birth weight. Raising babies is hard work, but with the help of Tyra Banks, we think we're doing O.K.

Week Four Begins

We saw Adrian's and Patricia's blog, Boston LeBuffes, so we decided to create one of our own. We're totally copying the cool kids.
Tomorrow marks the beginning of the twins' fourth week with us, and they aren't even due until July 6th. We tried sticking them back in, but since they came out through the emergency exit, a four-inch slit in Aimee's belly, we couldn't use the main entrance. Aimee just reminded me that this blog might be viewed by our parents, co-workers, and friends, so I can't use dirty words.
This is the perfect forum for all of the advice that parents like to give future parents but that future parents either don't want to or don't need to hear. We can also class-up the internet with photos of our tots, who are looking less like shaved monkeys and more like humans.
For our first post, I will share some highlights from our baby journal:
6/2/09, 12:01 a.m.--We are at UK Hospital. At about 11:10, Aimee's water broke.
8:13 a.m.--Aimee got to use a bedpan for the first time.
5:29 p.m.--Turns out Dr. Teenager didn't measure right the first time, but nurse Courtney said Aimee is 3 cm dilated now.
7:24 p.m.--We scheduled a c-section
11:50 p.m.--I was going to sleep but every noise sends me straight up in "bed." They were born at 8:13 and 8:16.
6/3/09, 10:40 p.m.--...Then there's La Femme Nikita, who is trying to steal Keillor from us. I can't get him to eat 15 ml, but La Femme Nikita can get him to eat 20. I think she's secretly breastfeeding him.
6/5/09, 6:40 a.m.--Phew. We got some sleep last night. Personality Plus brought the babies to the nursery at about 10:45 and didn't bring them back until right before 6.
11:00 a.m.--Keillor's Billy Reuben level is up. They have him under a blue light to prevent jaundice. Aimee calls it Malibu.
12:45 p.m.--I have given them nicknames: Emaline is Button, and Keillor is Bug, 'cause she's cute as a button and he's cute as a bug. Don't judge. I'm still a man.
6/7/09, 10:02 a.m.--We got released from the hospital yesterday afternoon. When we got home, we had cat puke, animal fur, bills. We then had to figure out how to live without nurses, get sleep, and try to live normal lives.
6/8/09--First Trip to the Doctor--We went to see Dr. Wilson today. She gave the twins a once-over, declared them fit for service, and sent us on our way.
6/10, 3:43 a.m.--So sleepy. Keillor peed through yet another diaper (Huggies! You Goonies!), sleep sack, and swaddling blanket. Then during his feeding, he pooped the runniest yellow mess ever, only to follow that up with a mid-changing poop that was even runnier.
6/12, 10:45 a.m.--We have regained birth weight.
10:29 p.m.--There is a great deal of anticipation and excitement that comes with pregnancy. This is still present during parenthood, more so than during pregnancy, but your mind just has to adjust to the whole thing...My love for Keillor and Emaline is already so great despite their being only 11 days old.
6/13/09, 7:56 p.m.--They both lost their umbilical cords today.
6/16/09, 9:15 a.m.--Dr. Straub said of Keillor's penis, "Keep Vaseline on the end of his bird until he's in college or out of diapers."
6/17/09, 6:48 a.m.--Last night was awful. Horrible. Please don't make us go through that again. OK, so no one was sick or got hurt or anything like that, but no one slept either. They were up every hour, crying, hungry, dirty diapers.
6/18/09, 3:10 a.m.--It happened again. We both woke up believing that we were holding babies. Aimee was sitting straight up in bed looking down at an invisible baby.
10:09 a.m.--Aimee said this morning, "I haven't cried in a few days."
1:30 p.m.--In a stupor last night, after hearing our kids make their chirping sounds, we realized why the sounds were so familiar: it is Riverspeak, the native language of the Ohio Valley River People. It is a scary realization when at 1:30 in the morning, you figure out that you may have spawned a river child, one of the most feared feral children of the midwest.
6/21/09, 9 a.m.--We are officially bad parents. One of the first rules of responsible parenting is not to fall asleep with the baby, either holding the baby or with the baby on your chest, or feeding the baby. We've done all three.
11:00 a.m.--I need to remember that I will make mistakes, but if I love my children, they will grow up to be happy, healthy human beings...and then we can blow up this planet and fly home.