Sunday, September 6, 2009

Holy Diaper, Batman

I have been to the heart of darkness.

I can still remember their first poops: black, tarry meconium requiring many wipes. Then came the odorless mustard--gross looking and quick to stain, but relatively easy to wipe up. The worst thing about this period was that they pooped every time they ate. Emaline would projectile poop as well. Big deal.

Rice cereal changed everything. Rice cereal makes baby bowels turn into cauldrons of demon potion. The date: September 4, 2009. That was the day that my daughter made me choke. Her poop, the consistency of Grey Poupon, smelled like the only things she had eaten the previous week were onions dipped in mustard. The first wave made me wince. Then the tears began to flow. I tried to make my arms as long as possible, using the tiniest sliver of peripheral vision to avoid eye contact with what can best be described as liquid hatred.

Then came Keillor's poop. His was the consistency of peanut butter, smeared on thick and deadly, an odor brewed over a week's time in the darkness of his tiny colon. I changed two diapers recently, one at midnight, and the other this morning. While both maintained their individual textures and aromas, neither was as putrid as the first AR (in the year of rice cereal) poops.

I have two questions: 1) How can two babies who came from the same womb and eat the same diet have such distinct (emphasis on stinc) bowel movements? and 2) Why do they always do this when I am the one changing the diaper? Aimee can't even remember the last time she changed a poopy diaper. I'm not complaining. She does plenty. I'm just questioning the universe's plan for me.

My sweet children making evil in their diapers

Emaline pretending her Bumbo is a toilet

Keillor belying his true intention to destroy my olfactory sense

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