Babes in Mauland

Bad News Maus

2012-02-02T21:44:00.000-05:00

Well, it happened again. The youngins went and got themselves arrested . They were out at the park riding their trikes when somebody made a comment about Emaline's "boy jammies."
One thing led to another and before I knew it, they were getting their monthly mugshots taken. Emaline pulled a Nick Nolte while Keillor told the lady taking the picture where she could stick it: "right up your nodstrell, lady."
Aimee and I knew we weren't going to have normal kids, but this takes the cake.

Holy Flushing Sh...

2012-01-24T22:40:00.003-05:00

I know that the second I publish this, the very instant that another human being reads it, one of my kids will wet his or her pants, but I am going to say it because I have been holding off for too long. We're potty trained. We are so potty trained that there hasn't been an accident in over three weeks. We're so potty trained that when we drove to Tennessee, no one peed in the van. We're so potty trained that the two midgets who look like Aimee and me actually tell us when they have to go to the bathroom. Sometimes they even lie and tell us they have to go when they don't.
We are not so potty trained that the twins can make it through the night dry, but they can take dry naps. Last night, Keillor refused to where his "night night pants," so I said what the heck and let him wear his underpants. While he did wet the bed, he made sure to wake up at 6 a.m. and announce that he needed to go to the bathroom. That's something, right?
BTW, check out the December posting below. It's sort of new.


We are so potty trained that we drove through Cade's Cove without an accident

We are so potty trained that we walked around downtown Gatlinburg without an accident

Princess Emaline

2011-12-17T08:19:00.003-05:00

"That's a pretty horse," said Emaline. "When I get to that castle, I'll be a princess."

We heard about a book deemed the Worst Book Ever: Microwave for One by Sonia Allison. When we looked up the book on Amazon, we found, among other items also viewed, this gem of a t-shirt. Emaline, eating pancakes at the table with us, beamed.

Of course, five minutes later, I heard screams coming from our bedroom, followed by the familiar, "Keillor, you need to go to time out." Seems he had hit his sister in the head. Time out is the area at the bottom of our stairs. It is enclosed on three sides by the gate to the stairs, our bedroom door, and the door to the dining room (now the makeshift shared bedroom for the twins during construction).

In time out, Keillor likes to scream like he is being beaten. Red-faced, tears streaming down his cheeks, beating on the door, Keillor is a delight. His sentence would conclude if he could calm down and apologize to Emaline. Instead, he hit me in the face. He would not be getting out early for good behavior.

Eventually, and abruptly (like flipping a switch) his tantrum ended, he said, "I'm sorry, Daddy." He was ready to make amends with his victim. Walking over to his sister, he said, "I'm sorry, Emaline," to which she responded. "It's OK, Keillor; I giving you a hug." A heartwarming toddler hug was shared, followed by more shenanigans. "I gonna be a princess," said Keillor.
"You can't be a princess, Keillor. You a boy."

MONKEY LIPS

When I was a kid, I used to love getting oranges in my stocking at Christmas. My mom would quarter them, and I could eat them the only way a kid should eat an orange: making monkey lips. Until recently, the twins were not into oranges. However, a trip to Cracker Barrel and a piece of garnish changed that. We bought them tangelos, and they are quickly making their way through a bag.

This is life at the Mau house.

...Three Months Later

2011-10-22T14:08:00.001-04:00

The irony of maintaining a blog about raising kids is that when they required the most attention and time (and were, really, let's face it, the least interesting), I seemed to have plenty of time and energy to write about them, post pictures, take videos. Now that they are more independent, can entertain themselves for minutes at a time, and do some of the most amazing things, now that I should have more time and more reasons to share their funny and amazing stories, now I find other things to do, now I take fewer photos, now I write less down. Infant blobs who just stare get thousands of photos; toddlers who ride tricycles, brush their own teeth, help make biscuits, go to the bathroom by themselves (sort of) get nothing. Well, I am trying to change that.
What's new in Mauland?
Cat doors. This morning I was installing a cat door in our back door to allow Leo the opportunity to escape to the mudroom when the Schmookies attacked. Unfortunately, installing this contraption was not easy. There I am sitting on the floor trying to think of other words to say besides curses, fuming, spitting, angry, when a little hand touches my shoulder and a sweet little voice says, "Are you frustrated, Daddy?" Then another voice says, "It's OK, Daddy. Don't be fusterated." Emaline knows all the big words, but Keillor is a great mimic. I was frustrated, to say the least, but when one's two-year-olds try to comfort their daddy, it's easy to soften and change one's perspective. Right now, though, they are asleep and Leo is on the couch getting fur everywhere.
A while back, when we had to replace the back screen door, we bought one with a dog door for LB and the cats to use. The kids love the dog door and prefer to crawl through it rather than use the actual door. The cat door is much smaller, so when Emaline tried to go through it after a panicked Leo, she didn't make it past her head. I am just waiting for the day when I hear screams coming from the kitchen from a toddler who has gotten his or her head stuck in the cat door. "Are you frustrated, Emaline?" I'll ask.
The Tricksy Potty. Potty training is a longer process than I expected. Actually, I'm not sure if we're through the training part and just in the remediation part. Anyway, we have a schedule set up, a big potty and a little potty, stickers for trying, treats for success, high fives, Pull-Ups, big boy and girl underpants. We still have plenty of wet pants and poopoo accidents. It is not uncommon to look over at Emaline who seems to be concentrating a little too much and ask, "Do you have to go potty?"
"Mmmhmmm."
"Is that yes or no?"
"Doo doo, Daddy."
"You have to doo doo?"
"Emaline went poo poo, Daddy."
Sometimes we catch it, sometimes we don't. The past week, interaction with Keillor has gone more like this:
"Keillor have to go potty."
"OK, let's go."
"Keillor have to poo poo."
We'll take him in to the bathroom, ask, "Big potty or little potty?" For Keillor, big potty (putting the toddler seat on out toilet) is for #2. He likes a nice plopping sound. Little potty (the training toilet) is for #1. He likes the pee guard that keeps his stream contained. He also likes the satisfaction of seeing the pool of urine, which he can't see in the big potty.
Bed time is a whole other struggle. We have the bed time potty routine, which involves Keillor peeing 30 times and Emaline trying to poop for 30 minutes. Then it's upstairs, where, after story time, Keillor has the urge to pee again. "Keillor go potty, Daddy." Then it becomes contagious: "Emaline go potty, too." Like a camel, Keillor seems to be able to store pee for later use, so when we take him to the bathroom again, he can produce some freshly-squeezed. Emaline is less likely to actually do anything. Still, on those mornings when they wake up dry (or mostly dry) we know it was worth one last trip to the potty.
Halloween. We always have big plans for Halloween that involve homemade costumes. This year, we settled on Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy from Harry Potter. Aimee would knit scarves, we'd sew robes, and adhere Hogwarts house emblems to them. This will not happen. Instead, we will go last-minute Halloween costume shopping and take what we can get. When asked what they want to be for Halloween, without hesitation, Emaline said, "Minnie Mouse," and Keillor said, "Mickey Mouse." Had they already had this discussion?
TV. Well, we did it. We became those parents. Our kids love television. While we do not have cable, we do have Netflix, which allows us to stream Dora the Explorer, Yo Gabba Gabba, Thomas and Friends, and thier favorites, the Backyardigans, right into the living room. While we do atleast limit the amount of TV watching they are allowed, last week when they were both sick with the croup, they snuggled up on the couch with their blankets and vegged out in from the television. You know what, Dora? Yelling at us doesn't make us like you.
To see more of what your grandchildren or children of your friends are up to, visit the site below where you can watch short iPhone videos.
More Videos of the Schmookies

Emaline as a cave girl

Keillor as a cave boy.

The big girl swings. Wow.

Someone had to go potty during bath time.

Making Liszts

2011-07-15T13:37:00.000-04:00

Alabama has had an interesting effect on the Schmookies. They have found a love for the piano at Gee Gee and Ga Ga's house. At first they were just pounding on the keys, but then after a little practice, they began to develop a real talent. I am still amazed.

Driving Miss Ga Ga

2011-07-14T20:15:00.000-04:00

Keillor and Emaline say that the best part about having a grandfather in a wheelchair is that they get to push him around and ride in his lap. They asked me to video them driving him in the kitchen and post it to the blog. Keillor thought people would get a kick out of it. Emaline suggested music from Peter and the Wolf as an accompaniment. It works.

Gimme a Little Foot

2011-07-11T20:27:00.000-04:00

When I was a kid, I loved bath time. At least, I remember loving bath time. For whatever reason, the most vivid memory is my dad bathing me and singing to me. He took the old standard "Gimme a Little Kiss" and changed the lyrics to "gimme a little foot," or "gimme a little arm," or "gimme a little leg." I'd gleefully stick out the requested part to be cleaned. I can still hear my dad crooning, "Gimme a little foot, a will you, huh, and I'll give it right back to you."
Bath time is part of our nightly routine. They bath, take their allergy meds, brush their teeth, get into the jammies, read stories, sing, and go "nigh' night." I suppose we have continued a Mau family tradition because the Schmookies won't let me bath them without "song, song, Daddy." So, 34 years later, here I am with my two-year-olds singing the same song my dad sang to me.
Here is a little taste of the song. Just replace "kiss" with "foot" and you've got yourself a toddler favorite.

Emaline sports a bathtime mohawk

Keillor communicates with other dimension Keillor

Elmo in Mauland

2011-07-07T21:45:00.001-04:00

When it comes to television characters, the kids have three favorites: Thomas the Tank Engine, the gang from Yo Gabba Gabba, and Elmo. They have only ever seen three Elmo videos, but their first, The Best of Elmo 2, is an often requested film. It features songs by Jason Mraz, Feist, the Goo Goo Dolls, Ray Charles, and many others. We have watched the DVD so many times, it is wearing out. Then there is the dreaded Elmo in Grouchland. This is where the twins show how different they are. Keillor, a blanket connoisseur like Elmo, loves the story of how Elmo's blanket is sucked into Grouchland. It scares the $h!t out of Emaline. She will literally start crying if it is played while she is in the room. She has such empathy for other people's misfortune that it just breaks her little heart.
While they have had an Elmo stuffie for some time, they recently inherited Granddaddy's Tickle-Me-Elmo (don't ask). I got a call from my mother (hi, Mom) asking how the kids like Elmo. See for yourself:

Since I haven't updated in a while, I should also add that the twins have finally gotten their own rooms. They started off together upstairs in a room that we renovated just for them. We then moved them downstairs, more than anything just to see if we could haul a queen-size Temperpedic mattress up a flight of stairs. We have known for some time that they are both keeping each other awake and waking each other up. Keillor gets up early in the morning and likes to wake his sister up. Emaline takes a shorter nap and wakes her brother up. Not any more. We are back downstairs in the master suite with its Winnebago bathroom and they each have their own room upstairs. It only took two years. This move seems to have done the trick. It's also super cute to hear them say goodnight and "I love you" to each other.

We took the minivan for its maiden family voyage up to Cinci for the 4th. All the way there, Keillor talked and talked and talked. They were very excited to see Lila who took them to her park and to her grandparents' lake, and shared all of her toys with them.

Hanging out at the house

Safety first

Robot dance

Keillor and Lila escape

Relaxing at the water park with hot dogs


Emaline finishes her swim

Boating

Keillor is more of a sand Mau than a water Mau

This is what happens when Keillor plays with girls

Don't Be Jealous

2011-06-26T12:28:00.001-04:00

Emaline attempts to escape the car seat

Well, we did it. We finally did what we said we would never do, then said we really needed to do, then said we absolutely had to do: we got a minivan. The last day of AP scoring in Louisville, Brad Webb and I hopped a jet to Tucson, AZ, spent a couple of days visiting family and friends (my family, our friends) and test drove the van all the way back to Lexington. The 2003 Kia Sedona came to us courtesy of my very generous parents (see Rogue Artists). The road trip home was exhausting, but seeing my amazing wife and two adorable Schmookies reinvigorated me (and gave me some virus--nice homecoming gift).

We wanted a minivan because it would provide more room for packing for trips, and would also make getting the kids into the car easier. Oh, they get in alright--they love it. However, getting them into their seats is another story. They just want to explore the van. They climb on seats, press buttons, sit on the console, sing, scream, and have a ball. Once I strap them into their seats, they remain excited because now they can see everything from their captain's chairs. Riding in the car is a whole new experience for them. All they want to do is ride in the "big car, big car, Daddy!"
So that I could remain cool driving a minivan, Aimee picked up a t-shirt and bumper sticker (above) for me and the van to wear.

So, you can't see it, but it reads, "Don't Be Jealous"

Thank you, Grandmommy and Granddaddy!

We love the big car

They also got fun hats from the Desert Museum

The Park

2011-06-09T17:56:00.000-04:00

We had our first play date of the summer when we met Hank and Erika at Shilito Park. The park's big playground is a giant wooden fortress with tunnels, stairs, slides, lookouts, and swings. When Emaline, Keillor and I arrived, we were the only people there, and it wasn't yet 95 degrees, so we had our run of the place. Emaline went right for the swings, while Keillor just wanted to climb--different directions always.
Hank and Erika got there, and we played in the sand, slid down the slide, and had snacks. At one point while I was chasing Keillor, Emaline worked up the nerve to go down the twisty slide all by herself.
In true Schmookie style, one distracted while the other did something dangerous. They found all sources of stagnant water, mud, and other such substances.
About 9:30, every daycare and church group in Lexington descended, playing "Ride of the Valkyrie." We played on, but had to dodge unsupervised kids and half-stoned camp counselors and daycare workers.
Sweaty and tired, we hopped in the car to go home for lunch. They were out quickly, but rallied for lunch before taking a marathon nap.
Next time, we are getting there at 8 a.m.

Their brief time together on the fire truck

Snack in the pavilion

Sliding with Hank

Emaline digs in the sand

...and then covers herself in sand.

Bouncing

Three friends in the sand

Emaline's favorite place

Cool tunnel

Emaline decides to wait to slide until I am not looking

Trip to the Aquarium

2011-06-07T12:41:00.000-04:00

For their second birthday, we took the Schmookies up to Newport to see some big fish and the Kings: Dave, Rachel and Lila. A late start put us in the worst traffic ever. Just a few miles from the aquarium, we were in a parking lot on the interstate. We were moving a mile every twenty minutes. Not off to a good start.
We did eventually make it. A trip to the bathroom of a nearby Barnes & Noble was in order. Mommy took one and I took the other. Once in the stall, my very bright little boy began to yell, "Daddy go poo poo. Poo poo, Daddy. Daddy's going poo poo." This from a boy who screams in terror if I try to even touch his bottom to a toilet seat. He'll get his one day.
We saw big fish, little fish, fish with teeth, fish that looked like snakes, fish that looked like spiders (big spiders), see-through fish, otters, and penguins.

Emaline and Keillor go whale watching.

Keillor watches penguins

Emaline helps Lila climb a giant frog

The girls play with amphibians

Emaline pet's a crab

Holding Hands

Playing in the shark theatre

What a cute boy

The highlight of the trip was watching Emaline and Lila playing together and later eating pizza. Because we got there so late, we missed nap time by three hours. They were asleep before we left the parking garage to go home.

Keillor before we are out of the parking lot.

Emaline about two minutes later

Here Comes Emaline

2011-05-31T15:22:00.000-04:00

In 1926, the song "Here Comes Emaline" was a hit in speakeasies and jazz clubs. Little did swingers know, the song would also sort of inspire the name of my sweet daughter.

If anyone knows of a song with Keillor's name in the title, pass it along to me. Otherwise, I will have to post a slideshow of photos accompanied by Prairie Home Companion.

New Table

2011-05-29T15:06:00.000-04:00

A new table arrives. Great for eating fruit outside, but not so great for sharing.

Backyardigans

2011-05-23T13:48:00.000-04:00

The backyard has become our children's favorite place. While Aimee and I are excited that we finally have outside children, they never want to come in. Still, we're happy that they are happy out in the wild. As luck would have it, our future next-door neighbors donated a plastic slide. Coicidentally, my dad gave me an ancient rubber boat that I used to love as a kid. Ironically, we have found that the boat makes an excellent slide collection pool. Slide + Pool = Nonstop Schmookie Excitement.

Keillor scales the ladder to the slide.

Emaline on her maiden voyage down the slide into the icy water

Keillor takes the easy way up

Emaline lays seige on Keillor's castle

It becomes Emaline's castle

Emaline in her garden helper

Keillor finds that the space under the slide is fun also

A fun pasttime for our kids: eating dirt

The poison ivy, mosquitoes, spiders, rocks, and other dangers of our backyard are little adventures to our children. Emaline picked up a spider, brought it over to me and said, "Daddy. Spider." It's going to be a long summer.

H Two Ohh!

2011-05-16T08:41:00.001-04:00

The warmer weather has the Schmookies wanting to be "outside, outside, outside" all the time. They could spend hours in the backyard and still want to go back out the second we drag them back in the house. Outside means bruises, scrapes, dirt under every nail and in every orifice, and water: in puddles, in the pool, from the hose, in the water table. And, yes, there are plenty of drops to drink.

Dispatches from Mautucky

2011-05-08T12:29:00.000-04:00

Since we are only blogging once a year now, I thought I'd update the family about the recent developments in the world of the Mau Schmookies. Life just gets more and more interesting. The twins are singing, counting, saying some of their ABCs, pulling hair, and wanting to spend every waking hour outside. Yesterday, digging in the flower bed, they discovered worms. Emaline is fascinated. Keillor likes to look but not touch. He doesn't like getting his hands dirty.

Mommy and Emaline enjoy fake food at the Explorium.

We are at the stage where we could begin potty training or not. Emaline is ready, and will try to go potty by herself. Keillor treats the toilet like an electric chair. We are considering just doing away with diapers and letting them feel what's it's like to soil themselves. Since it is getting warm, and since we do spend a lot of time outside, this could prove to be the best method.

Keillor practices his climbing skills.

Their vocabularies have grown so much that there are fewer words they don't know than they do know. Emaline will pretty much repeat whatever we say. Keillor will just stare at us like we are idiots if we say words he doesn't understand. This weekend, they learned that the brush fire in the backyard is hot and that it will burn them. They keep repeating this over and over again: "Fire will burn babies. Hot. Hot. Burn babies. No, no, no."


Emaline gets locked out of GaGa and GeeGee's house

Our adventures in meal time have calmed. Our take it or leave it attitude has not created more adventurous eaters, but they aren't starving either.

The Schmookies pay homage to St. Francis.

While they did not understand Easter this year, we tried to explain that because of Jesus, a giant bunny brings chocolate. Emaline said, "Thank you, Jesus." Keillor just looked at us like we are morons.

Keillor dyes eggs with GaGa

Speaking of saying "thank you," they are developing manners. Both have started saying things like, "please, help," "thank you," "more, please," and "excuse me." Now we just have to work on training them to clean chimneys.

Emaline dies eggs with GeeGee

Driving Lessons

A rare occasion when they are not fighting


Emaline models her new sunglasses

They roll the garden caddy up the hill and either try to ride it down or run after it.

What the what?

2011-03-20T18:37:00.000-04:00

Keillor is eating chips and salsa. Just had to share.

Put the Ball in the Box

2011-03-19T07:17:00.000-04:00

6:33 a.m.. My children seem to understand Daylight Saving Time better than I do. Before springing forward, they woke up at six. After springing forward, they wake up at six. So here we are up before dawn on a Saturday morning. Mommy is playing with the kids after a ball intervention. We have a lot of colored balls around this joint. Keillor was collecting them. He wanted all of the balls (stop laughing, Mom). In order to get the last one, he had to attack his sister with a full-body lunge. Now Aimee is playing "Put the Ball in the Box" with them. She's better at this than I am, as evidenced not only by the fact that I am typing on my computer, but also because I would have said, "no" and taken the balls away.

TERRIBLE? TWO?

While they are still a month and a half away from their second birthday, my children have mastered the art of "no":
DADDY: Do you want to take a bath?
SCHMOOKIE: No.
DADDY: It's time to go night night.
SCHMOOKIE: No.
DADDY: Brush your teeth.
SCHMOOKIE: No.
And so on. I am trying to ask them fewer questions.
In a move that is textbook "terrible twos" Emaline had a stage four hissy fit, followed by an acute tantrum in the middle of the aisle at Kroger. Complete with a full-body spin on the floor, she screamed and hollered like the child of people who "can't control their kids. They'll just let anyone have kids these days." In Hail Mary move, I scooped up both Schmookies and whisked them away to the car so Aimee could check out without being attacked by two howler monkeys disguised as human children.
There are many benefits to them growing up. For instance, Keillor is now sitting on the ground playing with a spinning light that Carol Hill brought him. He'll push the button and watch the globe spin around and light up. Then, mimicking me, he'll blow on it and let the button go, putting the light out like a candle. Push. Spin. Blow. Let go. Stop spinning. Giggle, giggle. Repeat. Equally cute, Emaline tries to put every object the size of a baby doll to bed. "Nigh' nigh'" she'll say, and cover up her bottle, or a plate, or the remote control with a blanket, napkin, or piece of paper. "Nigh' nigh'."

EVOLUTION OF THE TABLE

They are also sitting at the adult table. In the beginning, there were highchairs. These highchairs attached to regular chairs, but like other highchairs, they came with their own trays. This is where the Schmookies ate. It came to pass that the Schmookies did not like highchairs any more. It was decided that a Schmookie-sized table was in order. And lo it came to pass that Grandmommy delivered. This is where the Schmookies ate. It came to pass that the Schmookies began to notice that they were being segregated from their elders. They made the journey across the linoleum desert to the Mommy and Daddy table where they scaled the big chairs. And lo, they were happy Schmookies. A strange occurrence...occurred: they were strangely civilized. A quick adjustment turned high chairs into booster seats, and we are a big happy family.

WORDS, WORDS, WORDS

For most of their lives, we have been fairly confident that they did not understand the salty language that escaped from our mouths. Not so any more. They are in full parrot mode, repeating everything we say...except. "I love you." They won't repeat that. I think they're withholding on purpose.

Keillor, March 2011

Aimee, July 1976

I have spent enough time ignoring my kids to write about my kids, so, as Keillor would say, "I'm out, sucka'"

MOMMY IN BALTIMORE, DAY 3

2011-03-02T20:27:00.000-05:00

Hi, Aimee. In case you thought we could get along without you, we are counting down the minutes until you get home. The schmookies are counting with screams. We went on a short stroll this afternoon while the oven heated up. There was a train stopped on the tracks. Keillor was furious that it wasn't moving, and he was not impressed by the engineer waving at us from the window.
Based on the videos, you would think all we did was bathe; that's just when I remembered to get the video camera. I edited out all the naughty bits in case perverts are looking at our blog.
They went to bed with no problems. Well, sort of. Keillor started screaming that he wanted milk. I gave in and gave him a sip of milk. Then Emaline wanted milk. I gave her a sip. Then Keillor wanted water. Definite ploy to keep me in the room and the light on.

Let's just say he didn't scream as long as last night. Here's the video. It may make you cry.

MOMMY IN BALTIMORE, DAY 2

2011-03-02T20:13:00.000-05:00

Hi, Aimee. Day Two and we're all still alive and kicking. A lot of kicking. Hitting and biting, too. Seriously though, we're doing OK. I didn't need an alarm clock this morning, as usual. They screamed for waffles and then wanted my cereal, as usual. They had taken their shoes off a few times before we left (and then in the car) as usual. Also, we really need to fix the lock on the cabinet. Here is the video I promised. Listen for the hidden satanic messages.

MOMMY IN BALTIMORE, DAY 1

2011-02-28T19:45:00.000-05:00

OK, Aimee. I made it through one day on my own. No baby diarrhea, only one barf, some food on the floor, and a few fights. We made it out of the house by 7:30, and were in bed by 7:00. There is a sink full of Schmookie dishes, and I am regretting eating the chili again. Here is the video I promised:

Schmookies Say Their Names

2011-02-27T10:17:00.000-05:00

The twins love to look at pictures of people and try to identify them. Men with gray hair are either GaGa or PawPaw. Women are Mommy. Men are Daddy. Any children who they do not know are "babies." Here they watch themselves being recorded.

Sicko

2011-02-21T10:02:00.000-05:00

Home today with a very puny Keillor. He has more liquid coming out both ends than we put in. He also has a double ear infection. Antibiotic goes in…and comes out. Motrin goes in…and comes out. Put him down, he screams. Put him in his crib, he screams.

He just came off a 20 minute screaming jag. Could not be consoled. Upstairs, downstairs, inside, outside, red-faced bawling. Finally he started pointing to the kitchen cabinets. Point, scream; point, scream harder. In the last cabinet, he pointed to the Ritz crackers and screamed. I gave him a Ritz. Then he pointed to the raisins and screamed. I let him get some raisins. By some miracle, he stopped. Of course, I know I will be seeing these raisins again very soon, only wetter and all over the front of my shirt. Still, you know the old adage: a quiet toddler now is worth a puking toddler later.

Here I sit, Keillor in lap shoving raisins in his mouth, typing one-handed, just waiting for the eruption of partially digested raisins and crackers to ruin my laptop. And that’s all I know about that.

A Very Victorian Christmas

2010-12-18T10:39:00.001-05:00

The kids were supposed to go see Santa at our school Christmas party, but it was cancelled thanks to a healthy dose of ice and snow. They don’t know who this Santa character is, but they see pictures of him everywhere, and people keep talking to them about him. Because they don’t like strangers, and because our friend Bill, who the kids know, was going to be Santa, we thought we were golden. No such luck. We may still try to pay way too much and take them to see mall Santa. Slim chance. Just in case, I PhotoShopped our kids’ heads on the bodies of twins sitting on Santa’s lap. The result is odd.


Fake Keillor and Emaline with Santa.

I am working on creating silhouettes of the kids. In sketching them out, I noticed the Keillor is starting to look a little older than Emaline. I wonder if this trend will continue.

Guess Who?

I am very excited that my children have chosen a favorite book. I know it is their favorite because we have to have two copies of it and we have to hide it from them so they don't destroy it. In 1977, my aunt bought me a book that became one of my all-time favorites. Maurice Sendak's In the Night Kitchen features a naked Mickey saving breakfast by flying to the Milky Way and pouring milk into the batter of the bakers who bake until dawn. The Schmookies love it as much as I did. When we get to the part where Mickey cries, "Cock a Doodle Doo," Keillor tries to mimic him. They love to find the moon on every page, and we must read the book at least twice before bedtime. Once I do the narration and Aimee does the voices; next we switch. Wrapped in the favorite blankets, each on a different lap, they know when to turn the pages and when the story is sadly over.

One Year Ago

2010-12-13T06:59:00.000-05:00

A year ago, the kids were eating apple sauce (or at least learning to). They spent a lot of time on their backs, and didn't do much talking. Boy, a lot has changed.

Animal Noises

2010-12-11T20:18:00.000-05:00

We have been practicing with animal noises: the cow says, "moo"; the horse says, "neigh"; the cat says, "meow," that kind of thing. We thought it was time to share what our kids can do with the world. They are not the best, but they try really hard.

Twin Rangers

2010-12-11T20:13:00.000-05:00

Continuing with our video library, here is a recent gem recorded December 11. Happy Trails...

Zamfir, Master of the Bear Flute

2010-12-07T16:22:00.000-05:00

Phone Call

2010-12-07T16:16:00.000-05:00

Peep Eye

2010-12-05T18:37:00.000-05:00

Emaline and Keillor play Peep Eye

WORDS, WORDS, WORDS

2010-11-30T14:58:00.001-05:00

It seems like in the past couple of weeks, Emaline's vocabulary has exploded. She is saying new words every day. While Keillor is a little slower to learn new words, poor guy, he is trying really hard.
Here's what we've heard for sure. She/They can say and identify the following facial features:
EYES
NOSE
MOUTH
TEETH--I think Keillor is the one who says "teeth."
.
The can identify and say the following foods:
WAFFLE
APPLE
BANANA
.
Other seemlingly random words and phrases:
BABY
DOGGY
PEEP-EYE
OUT
HELLO
HI
BYE BYE
NO
BALL
STAR
HEART
RED
THANK YOU
HO HO HO
.
Names
Daddy
Mama/Mommy
TINA (comes out as Mina)
ELLIE (Tina's dog)
LEE LEE (FOR LEO)
GA GA
GEE GEE
PAW PAW

Our trip to Birmingham for Thanksgiving was both fun and exhausting. We will never take I-75 home again.

The kids were great in the car. We Cracker Barrelled it to keep them full of rich country food. Emaline only threw up once.

Once in Alabama, they got to visit two sets of grandparents, play with dogs and cats, eat pizza, ride trains and tricycles, attempt to swim in the lake, drive a wheelchair, and get bunches of hugs and kisses.

Sharing an antique train at GaGa and GeeGee's house

Taking a spin in GaGa's wheelchair.

Playing piano with Mommy

Posing like a male model

Playing Connect 4 with Grammy

Eating pizza

Riding a tricycle with Mommy

Looking at the lake

2010-10-27T08:46:00.002-04:00

The point of keeping the Babes in Mauland blog was so that we would make sure to document the development of the twins--also known as the Schmookies--and to share with friends and family. Then a strange thing happened: they required much more interaction, which left much less time to share. We haven't even written in our journal in I don't know how long. The fact is, all of this is a cop-out, an excuse. We have time to watch TV, so we should have time to blog about the Schmookies.
Since I last updated, we have seen some big changes in the kids. Keillor, in an effort to protect himself from his sister, has begun sharpening his teeth with a file.
In retaliation, Emaline refuses to let us cut her nails, and by nails I mean the steel nails she had implanted to she could look like Wolverine.

ON SLEEP
We hear other parents talk about how their kids sleep until 7:00, 8:00, 9:00 a.m. "It's so nice to be able to sleep in," they say. Our kids wake up anywhere from 5:30 to 6:00 and proceed to yell at each other and call out for "Mommy" and "Daddy." This would be so much cuter at 7:30.
We have tried earlier bedtimes, later bedtimes, first and second dinner to make sure their bellies are full. They are just early birds. I blame their mother.

ON EATING
The pediatrician says, "As long as they are eating," and "Toddlers are just really picky," and "My son won't eat most foods either." We should feel like, OK, no big deal. So our daughter will only eat oatmeal, grapes, and Cheerios. So she'd rather just drain a sippy cup of milk than eat anything at all. The doctor says it's normal. The thing is, though, we can't just relax and let her eat what she'll eat. We have to stress out about it and try to make her eat other foods; you know, the green ones that grow from the ground. I think they're called vegetables. Wait, maybe vegetables are those things you throw onto the ground and say, "Uh oh" to. I forget.

ON PLAYING
We thought that being twins, our kids would learn to play cooperatively, to share and enjoy each other's company. To pinch and bite and pull hair and steal toys from one another. Wait, that's the reality. They do cooperate sometimes. For example, Keillor will slam him finger into a cabinet. While I am comforting him, Emaline will pull a knife out of the open dishwasher I was unloading--I mean Aimee was unloading. One trips in the playroom, the other is making a toilet paper pile in the bathroom. Cooperation.

ON MILESTONES
Let's talk words, first. Here's what we hear consistently: of course, Mommy and Daddy (and variations of both), Nana (for banana), Uh Oh, Doggie, Ellie (our sitter's dog), Mimi (the mother of a girl they go to daycare with), My Milk (Emaline only), No, No, Bye Bye, Hi, Hey, PawPaw (Keillor only).
Emaline is getting good at mimicking us. I might say, "Let's go," and she'll try to say it.
Keillor is getting to where he only wants to eat with a spork. He likes to stab the food himself and feed himself. He will refuse food we try to feed him, but when stabbed with a spork, he will gobble it up.

I have to go to a meeting now. Maybe I'll force myself to find time later.

The Schmookies read to themselves

An end to summer

2010-08-19T12:38:00.001-04:00

The start of the new school year meant the end to my summer with the twins and the return to the mayhem that is morning at the Mau house. The kids wake up way too early—Emaline is not above waking up at 5:30 and jumping on her bed yelling until everyone is up. Breakfast is sometimes a test of wills. The post-breakfast, pre-departure play/scream time is my favorite.

Keillor is going through a phase where he wants to be up at our level so he can see everything and touch it. It is not enough for him to play the “point and boop” game once in a while—this game involves Keillor pointing at something, Aimee or I carrying him over to it, he touching it, and we saying, “Boop!” He now wants to be up high all of the time, especially in the morning when we are trying to get ready. He is not above a floor-beating tantrum.

Emaline is content to play by herself in the morning, but this sometimes involves her trying to stick her fingers in cabinets, close herself in rooms, climb on bookshelves, and various and sundry other acts of daring do. She has more bruises than a banana in a kid’s backpack.

Afternoons are also back to being hectic. We not only have to get dinner ready, but we have to think about how to alter or modify dinner so that the twins can eat it, too. In some cases, we have to make two dinners. Our goal is for everyone to sit down together and enjoy one meal. Our reality is that we have had very few warm meals in the last few months. Last night was an exception. By the grace of God, they both enjoyed bean burritos and ate theirs as we ate ours. This means that we will only be eating bean burritos for the rest of our lives, or until tomorrow when they decide that they don’t really like them. There’s always oatmeal.

The most fun of the day remains bath time. Emaline used to be scared of the tub, but she is finding that she can not only put up with Keillor’s constant splashing, but also enjoy a little splashing herself. They both love lying on their backs with their ears under the water listening to tapping on the tub or water running. Usually, Keillor begins flailing around like a madman, laughing maniacally. We bought an inflatable cover for the faucet so that they wouldn’t hurt themselves on in. They popped it. They also find other ways to injure themselves in the tub, most of which involve slipping and hitting their heads.

Keillor sees a cow

They started trying to climb into and out of the tub themselves. Not fun for us.

Emaline wants to dance

Speaking of climbing, I never mentioned the trip to Shakertown. Shaker Village was hosting a craft fair, so we brought the kids. They liked the craft part—wanting to grab everything they could—but we really enjoyed watching them dance and climb the stairs.

Emaline meets a goat

Keillor is about to get butted by a goat

A family of bluegrass musicians played under a tent, and the kids just loved it. They bounced and ran, smiling and yelling. We then took them into one of the Shaker homes and let them run wild. Keillor just wanted to go up. He climbed one set of stairs, but wasn’t finished, so he climbed another, and another. When there were no more, he got really upset, even though he was so tired he couldn’t stand up. Emaline could not match his speed, but she was OK with bringing up the rear.

Climbing the stairs

Right behind you

Enjoying the Shaker lifestyle

Wide open spaces

Maybe now that summer is over and I am back at work, I will find time to sit down and journal about them again.

Our trip to the Explorium

2010-07-26T09:47:00.002-04:00

This summer has been so hot that just walking to the car draws out buckets of sweat. Staying inside all day, however, makes me want to pluck out my eyes. I have been trying to find new ways to entertain the kids and get out of the house. Trips to the grocery store were a novelty at first, but they are hit or miss with the double child seats. The best are at Kroger where the kids can ride in a car with real horns and steer the cart themselves. We spent way too long at Kroger getting compliments on behavior and “aren’t they just the cutest” from middle-aged women.
I thought a trip to Toys-R-Us would be fun. I needed to get some child safety latches for the cabinets, and I figured they must have really cool carts for kids. Wrong. They had regular old shopping carts. I didn’t bring the stroller, so I carried the kids around the store—well, just to the safety aisle (we didn’t stay long). Like a cartoon cat eating a fish, Emaline had the shelves picked clean in seconds. When the cashier asked if we found everything we were looking for, I told her, as only my mother would, that I was looking for a store catering to parents and children to have proper accommodations, and that I was sorely disappointed.

Later that day, Aimee said that the Best Buy next door had shopping carts with Geek Squad cars attached to them. Yea, Best Buy. Boo, Toys-R-Us.

Having stocked up on groceries, I made the decision to take the kids to downtown Lexington to the children’s museum, the Explorium. I had been to the museum about eight years ago with the PLBKs from the Manchester Center. They loved it. They, however, were elementary school kids.

We had discussed going to the Explorium several times already. We had gone to the website to check it out. We made ill-fated plans with the Webbs. We just never actually took the kids. First, the price is $7 for everyone one year of age and up. Second, most of the exhibits were designed for older kids. Third, with nap times, meal times, and cranky times, we have a limited window of opportunity.

Last week, the temperature reached 150 degrees. The heat index was 3,000 degrees. Our weatherman, Bill Meck, looked more like a lobster than ever. We needed a diversion, or as Jason Stackhouse would say, “a divergence.”

I made sure the diaper bag was well-stocked with fruit, milk, Cheerios, animal crackers and goldfish, and we were off. One of them slept on the way there. I don’t remember which one—they are twins after all.

One parking deck, one pedway, and two elevator trips later, we were at the Explorium. The tween at the counter asked “How many?”

I said just me and the babies.

She asked how old they were.

I said, “One,” knowing their policy.

She said, “It’s $7 for kids one and up.”

I said, “They’re eleven months and 29 days old.” I’m going to be lying about my kids’ ages for years to come, but I hope that I will remember the first time I lied to save $14. I then added, “We may not be here very long. This is an experiment.”

Knowing I was full of diaper fruit, she charged me $7.

Kids in the stroller, we made a quick tour of the main floor of the museum. I then parked the stroller next to the infant to three-year-old gulag, released the beasts, and commenced playing. This tiny corner of the Explorium was a wonderland for the twins: new toys, a three-tier water table, a train table, steps that weren’t cordoned off, and other kids.

Emaline ran around like a squirrel. Keillor found another boy with his mom, and promptly made his way between them.

Bumble Keillor conquers Mount Carpet

After our probationary stage in the kiddie corner, we went out into the great museum. Released from bondage, Emaline looked like a pinball bouncing from exhibit to exhibit. Not as sure on his feet, Keillor moved more slowly, still wide-eyed.

Kid Commandment #1: Thou shalt splash

Emaline meets herself in a giant mouth

They visited a giant mouth, rode a tractor, picked vegetables (Keillor tried to eat plastic corn), jumped on a Big piano, played with bubbles, visited an adobe house, walked on the moon, smelled perfume-scented flowers and much, much more. I had little heart attacks as I imagined them falling down stairs, being abducted, or pooping.

Keillor finds a new virus

Nearing lunch time, I had to make a decision: take them to Cosi and let them come back to the museum later or take them home. While we were having a swell time, I’m glad we went home. They were pooped (figuratively).

This one doesn't have a horn like the last one

On our way out, I planned to go back to the ticket counter and give Miley Cyrus the other $14 I owed her, but she wasn’t there, and it would have been weird trying to explain to someone else how I had cheated the system but wanted to make amends. Next time.

Emaline tries to make one small step out of the crater

Speaking of next time, the Explorium is definitely a two-parent job. Mommy will be invited in the future.

Letter to Meijer

2010-07-14T12:26:00.002-04:00

Having children seems to have made me a more concerned citizen.

I sent this letter to the corporate offices of the Meijer grocery store:

This morning I brought my twin toddlers out on a grocery shopping trip. We headed straight for Meijer (Lexington, KY - # 184). Upon arrival, I spotted three carts with seats for two children. However, upon closer inspection, I saw that all three of the carts posed serious safety hazards for children. Two of the carts were missing part of the seat belts, rendering them useless. The third cart had two seatbelts, but they were knotted and missing the device for tightening them. There I was with two children and no way to safely shop with them. I had no choice and went to Kroger.

If I were a litigious man, I would have forgone this letter in favor of a more drastic route, but I like Meijer and want to continue shopping there.

I therefore request that this dangerous problem be remedied immediately.

Please let me know when the carts have been repaired and are once again safe for children so that I will know when I can return to Meijer.

More from Daddy Daycare

2010-07-14T08:39:00.001-04:00

The following is a letter I sent recently to the Cracker Barrel corporate office:

On a recent trip from Wilmore, KY to Alexander City, AL, my wife, our one-year-old twins and I stopped at a Cracker Barrel outside of Nashville. We knew the restaurant was equipped with baby changing tables, and that the store was kid-friendly. What we didn’t know was how much everyone in our family would enjoy the stop.

In order to understand how exceptional our meal was, you need to know that our daughter is the pickiest eater I have ever encountered. She eats so little, and has such a limited palate that some days she will only eat oatmeal and Cheerios. Our son would eat a tire if seasoned properly, so we knew he’d enjoy it.

We ordered a veggie plate for them to split. They like to eat with their hands. Not only did they polish off the veggies, but they also ate from our plates as well: carrots, corn, apples, chicken, peas, macaroni and cheese, and, of course, biscuits and cornbread. They devoured the food. A lot of it ended up on the floor, but, like I said, they’re only one.

A dozen wet wipes later, we took them into the country store to check out the toys, apologizing to the waitress for the mess. They really got a kick out of the little dogs that walk on their own.

After the meal, they slept like champs.

On the trip home a week later, we stopped the Barrel again with similar results.

Thank you for making a 400 mile road trip with twin toddlers not only bearable, but fun.

Who knows? Maybe I'll get a coupon or something. We used to get to Aimee's mom's house in about seven hours. Our first trip with the babies took 10 hours. This last one was somewhere in between. The stop at the Barrel was good for everyone, though.

The 'bama trip was fun, with relatively little screaming in the car. The worst part was Central Standard Time. The time change had us up anywhere from 4 a.m. to 5:30 a.m. every day.

Keillor lounges with his mommy

In Alex City, the kids went swimming every day. Keillor even tried to actually swim, but like a Mau, he sunk. One afternoon, Keillor snuggled up to his mommy in a pool lounger. I think that was Aimee's best hour of the whole trip. They also got to wander around Grammy and PawPaw Dee's big yard. Keillor got a scrape on his knee when he fell. We rubbed some dirt in it and told him to shake it off.

In an attempt to win her brother's vacated senate seat, Emaline poses with the American flag.

In a trip within a trip, the twins got to see their great grandparents in Alabaster (the city, not the rock).

They also got to visit with GaGa, GeGe, Cousin Seth, Aunt Rita, and Uncle Joseph--we sure sound Jewish, don't we? Is that rude? Emaline played with GeGe's antique toy piano, which apparently is no longer a toy. Oops.

Emaline at a seafood restaurant on Lake Martin

Playing in the pool with their cousin Seth requires no water.

Keillor goes grocery shopping in Grammy's giant yard, while Emaline cares for her empty stroller

Summer with Daddy continues with many food experiments. Today they ate an entire plum. Yesterday they had Lima beans for the first time. They also had Muenster cheese and spicy black bean burgers. Still, for some reason, their favorite food lately has been infant oatmeal. Go figure.

Today we made a trip to Wal-Mart. I wasn't sure how I was going to cart them around, but we found a cart that holds two kids. It kind of looks like a love toilet from SNL painted blue and attached to the cart. It is also for children ages 2-6. Since it was the only thing available, and even though one of the straps was broken, I told the kids to tell anyone who asked that they were two. They had a ton of fun. One lady said, "It's so nice to see a man taking care of the kids." I told her, "That's what my husband says." OK, so I didn't say that, but I should have.

They are learning all kinds of tricks. Some of them I may have already shared.

Trick # 26: Slamming fingers in cabinets with a child lock.

Trick # 27: Pulling the drain out of the tub

Trick # 28: Stealing food from each others mouths (that one just happened when Emaline put her hand in Keillor's mouth, removed an animal cracker that he had shoved in there, and ate it herself).

Trick # 29: (also today) Stepping off the lower deck and experiencing a greater appreciation for gravity.

Trick # 16: Eating dirt.

Emaline is mastering "bye bye." Keillor has learned "nana." He kept yelling it at me and pointing to the banana on the counter. We'll see if it sticks.

They are also becoming little acrobats. Emaline has pulled herself off the floor by grabbing onto the table. She is also quite the tumbler. As I type this, she is behind me with her head on the ground and her butt in the air. A few minutes ago, Keillor was doing the same thing and the kitchen was filled with a sour outhouse smell.

Shoes have also been an adventure lately. It's no secret that Keillor is the bastard son of Barney Rubble. This has made finding shoes that fit him nearly impossible. When your feet are as wide as they are long, maybe slipper socks are the best bet.

Still no consistent walking from Keillor, but the other day when I dropped him off at daycare, he walked back to me--at least six steps. When he realized what he was doing, he fell. Now that Emaline is faster than he is, he may have to figure this walking thing out once and for all.

Keillor takes a break from singing in the tub to pose for the camera.

Finally, while playing in the tub, Keillor launched a depth charge--three, actually--that necessitated the immediate evacuation of all toys. We should have seen it coming when he earlier sounded his underwater air horn with great vigor.

People ask me how I find time to blog when I am home with the kids three days a week. I have two words for you: benign neglect.

Summer with Daddy

2010-06-25T09:23:00.001-04:00

Just as our baby journal entries have become fewer and farther between, so too have my blog entries. Maybe this is a sign that we are spending so much quality time with the kids making memories, that we don't have time to write them down. Maybe we're just exhausted.

This morning, after Emaline waved goodbye to her mommy and Aimee left for work, Emaline started crying. Then in a move of solidarity, Keillor joined in. Here I am beginning my day alone with my two children, and both of them are crying that their mother is gone. Eventually, I calmed Emaline down with a sippy cup of milk, and Keillor forgot what he was crying about as he dismantled the bookshelf. They might have this great bond with us that connects us all as a family, but how quickly and easily they can be distracted.

I have been home with them since Tuesday, and in that short period of time, we have had some adventures, from fingers getting caught in cabinet doors to the extrication of obstinate bowel movements. We have taken car trips, played in the pool, read books, tried new foods, and played hours of peek-a-boo. We even tried bathing the dog. I would like to have gone on walks with them, but it is hotter than Satan's sauna out there, even in the morning.

Peek-a-boo is a family favorite--"Where's Keillor?"

Taking all of the books off of the shelf makes destroying them easier.

Emaline is more interested in animal crackers than swimming

Keillor wants to drink all of the water

They sure love each other

Emaline loves to swing. At the park with Daddy

One Year Down

2010-06-08T09:54:00.002-04:00

June 2 saw the start of their second year of life. As I sit here at the kitchen table with Keillor in my lap trying to play with the computer, feet propped up, just like his mommy, I am amazed at how much my life has changed, at how much of a better person I want to be. Enough about me.

Emaline is walking on her own. She is no champion sprinter or anything, but she can stand up and swagger like a proper toddler. She is master of multiple surfaces: linoleum, hardwood, carpet, decking, and even grass. She wants to walk on porcelain (the bathtub), but this scares her mommy.

Emaline walks over to play with her toys

While she is a walker, she is nowhere near as fast as her brother, who crawls at breakneck speeds throughout the house. He can move from the kitchen to our bedroom in the time it takes for me to get milk out of the fridge. The other day, a guest had left the bathroom door open and the toilet seat up. Once he knew we were distracted, he jetted for the bathroom. Aimee turned around and in a flash had stopped him from diving into the toilet.

Emaline plays with her new drum.

Summertime is outside time, and Grammy bought the twins a deluxe water fun park with an alligator pool, elephant shower, and giraffe...I'm not sure what it is really--it's like in a cartoon where if Yosemite Sam shot the giraffe in the neck with buckshot and his neck sprung a leak. He carries a six-shooter, doesn't he? Elmer Fudd then. Emaline is still traumatized after going under a couple of times, so she sits outside of the pool and plays with the water. Keillor likes to get buck naked and splash. Also, since he has discoved his boy parts, he likes to tug on his penis with one hand and splash with the other--multitasking.

Pool time

The Webbs gave the twins a great birthday gift that allows for water play but lets Emaline stay dry. They tried out the water table yesterday, bringing out their favorite tub toys.

Speaking of toys, one set of Alabama grandparents stopped by for the weekend. GaGa and GeGe (don't ask) brought homemade rocking horses for the kids. My father loves projects, and with grandchildren, he is having a blast in his workshop building wooden toys. The rocking horses look like expensive antiques. The kids are a little too small for them now, but horse racing season is just around the corner. They'll be ready for the Keeneland fall meet.

Emaline cries as Keillor steals her plastic kitty cat

While it has not arrived yet, the Arizona grandparents (my mom and stepdad), have ordered the twins a workbench. They have one at daycare, and both are into all the tools as much as GaGa. One might say they are gaga about the tools. One might.

Their second birthday cake, a mommy and daddy original (that we copied from a magazine)

On the food front, Keillor is eating everything he can put in his mouth--except birthday cake. He had chicken nuggets yesterday. He is officially an American boy. Emaline has become quite picky. She might love blueberries one day, but won't touch them the next. She likes chicken, but doesn't like the breading. She still wants to eat baby food, but doesn't want to be fed. Are we raising a diva? As for milk, we have made the transition from breastmilk to formula to cow's milk mostly successfully. They like the vitamin D milk, but don't like how cold it is. We are supposed to be transitioning to sippy cups.

Keillor uses a sippy cup, even though he would prefer a bottle

Keillor can drink out of a cup, no problem, and he will, too, until he sees his sister drinking from a bottle. She doesn't seem to have figured out the sippy cup. This will be a frustrating process. We just have to keep reminding ourselves that very few adults still drink out of bottles, so eventually our kids won't either.

Emaline eats birthday cake with GaGa. Keillor prefers to look at the plate.

Phrases I Never Thought I’d Say to Another Human

2010-05-24T11:48:00.000-04:00

Poor little thing. You have bumps all over your fanny.

Let’s keep our hands out of our vagina.

Keep your hands out of your doo doo.

Just let me put this vaseline on your bird.
Oh, don’t wipe it in your eyes.

Why won’t you just snuggle with Daddy?

Let’s not eat leaves. No, no.

Stop playing with your penis and drink your milk.

Puking Baby, Walking Baby, Clapping Baby, Dancing Baby

2010-05-19T15:49:00.001-04:00

Monday morning when I got Emaline out of her crib, I noticed some kind of dried goop in her hair and on her jammies. I figured it was snot or drool. No biggie.
We started breakfast uneventfully. The oatmeal was mixed and heated, the milk was ready, the babies were half asleep, we were half asleep. Emaline would not even open her mouth to eat any oatmeal. She has been picky about what food she would eat, what food she would spit out, and what food she would even accept into her mouth. Most food she likes to squish around between her fingers and rub into her eyes. We found out the day before that she would eat waffles. She likes using her hands. As I was heating up a waffle, gave her some milk.
She drank the milk with purpose, barely stopping to breathe. She was a milk-drinkin' fool. She drained it. I cut up the warm waffle and put it on her tray. As I was backing away, this fountain of milk came spewing from her mouth. Sparing any more raw details, we went through a few clothing changes before her retching spell was over.
Aimee spent the morning at home with Emaline (I came home at lunch to relieve her). No more vomiting during that time. Instead, lots of snuggling. Our daughter is the independent one of the twins. Keillor loves attention, thrives on it. Emaline would rather explore and experiment on her own. Until she gets suck, that is. Then she is more clingy than a blanket fresh out of the dryer. Mommy and daughter bonded.

....................................

As I said, Emaline is independent. She is also determined. Right now, she wants to learn to walk. She practices every chance she gets. We have documented six independent steps in a row before either grabbing onto the nearest piece of furniture or falling on her butt. She has two weeks from today to walk before her first birthday. I can't believe they are almost one.

....................................

While Emaline is practicing walking, Keillor has been focusing on rythm (no vowels in that word, hmm). He has learned how to clap. Sometimes we have to remind him by clapping for him, but then he remembers and can do it on his own.

....................................

Both babies are starting to realize that music has a beat you can move to. When we sing to them or when a song comes on, we sometimes catch them bobbing their heads or swaying to the rythm. Very cool.

Brushing Our Teeth

2010-05-03T13:38:00.000-04:00

As I think I mentioned, we have added tooth brushing to our evening routine. While they both like the feeling of the bristles against their teeth and gums, they like to be in charge of the brushes. In order to ensure that teeth get brushed, we bought two sets of brushes: one for them to hold, and one for us to use. We used the same technique when we began using utensils to eat.
Emaline still likes to be in charge and would prefer holding both brushes.

We are one month away from birthday #1. As we near this auspicious occasion, we are thinking about transitions, especially the transition from rear-facing to front-facing car seats. They can sit facing forward when they are one year and at least 20 pounds. Keillor is already almost 22 pounds, and Emaline is just under 20, so we may reach that point on June 2. We need to--their feet are already touching the back seat, which they kick incessantly, pushing their seats against the front seats. As you can see from the photo, Keillor's feet resemble those of Barney Rubble from the Flintstones.

Emaline's feet are slender and long, but they are ready for walking. She can take a step or two before falling over. Aimee thinks she'll be walking in the next month. As I dropped her off at daycare this morning, she stood at the baby's first work bench that Tina has and used the table saw. She is definitely a girl after her Daddy's heart. We need to get one of those work benches.

Twins fighting over toys. This is only the beginning.

Daddy on His Own

2010-04-23T16:45:00.001-04:00

Aimee had to go out of town yesterday and today, leaving me at home alone with the twins--something she has done more than once (as in, she has taken care of the kids on her own while I was out of town more than once). While I am used to picking them up and getting dinner started on my own, bathing them, reading their nighttime story and putting them to bed is a two-person job.
5 p.m. Keillor is eating his herbed chicken and pasta like a big boy, but Emaline--who has been a sassy-pants lately--does not want her harvest vegetables. She spits them out, screams, and shoves her pacifier in her mouth. As I am focusing on that, Keillor grabs his bowl and goes after his dinner like a pig eating slop. He has a runny mess from forehead to lap. Emaline's mad, Keillor's a mess, and I'm alone.
I open up some prunes and apples for Emaline, forgetting that she had been pooping all day and that prunes were probably not the best meal for her. She eats them up, though, followed by her milk.
Dinner is done. On to bath time.
Keillor goes into the playpen while Emaline takes her bath. She sits up straight, lets me clean her feet, face, and fanny, and has a great time. Because she has a wicked diaper rash, I decide to let her air out while I bathe Keillor. Into the playpen with her, into the bath with him.
Keillor loves the bath. He splashes and laughs, bounces and squeals. With one eye on bathing him and one on naked Emaline, I scrub the chicken out of Keillor's hair.
He is just a rascally on the changing table as in the bath, so trying to put him in a diaper and pajamas is a struggle. Just as I get a diaper on him, I turn around to see me naked daughter, squatting like a quarterback, pooping in the playpen. She pinches off the first one, waddles a couple of inches, and squeezes out one more, all the while, her elbows on her knees.
I pull Keillor off the changing table, put him on the floor (can't put him in the playpen), scoop up the pooper, and take her to the changing table.
As I am cleaning the poo off of Emaline's feet and getting her into a diaper, Keillor is crawling into the kitchen to play with the furnace grate. He falls, bumps his head, and starts crying. I am telling him, "It's OK. Come to Daddy," while wiping ointment onto Emaline's bum. He calms down and returns to his mission.
As I am zipping her into her pajamas, he is standing under the kitchen table trying to climb onto a chair. I get her quickly zipped up, rush over and grab him, and take them both upstairs to bed.
5 a.m. They wake up. They normally wake up between 5:30 and 6 during the week, but this is a special occasion. I'm alone Breakfast features milk only, no oatmeal, because they shouldn't be awake anyway, and they will probably go back to sleep at 6:30. They do. No problems (except that Emaline does poop herself again, but just a peanut-sized one).
I am leaving school right now to pick them up and go through another dinner and bath service alone. I can handle it. I can. I...

Easter, Air Band, and Keeneland

2010-04-14T16:25:00.000-04:00

So much to say. First off, we installed a baby gate to keep Keillor from running away from home, but also to keep L.B. away from the kids. The sweetest, kindest dog in the world does not like babies coming near her, and will growl and nip at them. Here they are taunting L.B. through the gate. Note that Keillor has stolen his sister's pacifier.

While they are the bestest of friends, they do not play well with each other all of the time, especially if Keillor has something that Emaline wants. Here they pretend to play with their Leapfrog together. This is a ruse. In a second, they will both want to play the piano, one will dominate, the other will fall over, and the crying will commence.

The baby gate may stop them from venturing too far, but they typically stop at the bookshelf anyway. It provides a great place to pull themselves up. Keillor is a fan of the Chicago Manual of Style. He likes it for its direct and simple approach to editing.

Not only is Emaline more advanced when it comes to transportation, she is also learning the ancient art of kung fu. Here she demonstrates her fight stance as she shares her motto, "Use what you got." What she got is a plastic spoon. Dangerous.

Easter Sunday brought perfect weather for taking photos of the twins in their Easter outfits (thanks Dad and Shelia). Emaline not only loves having her photo taken, but also likes playing in the grass. Her photo shoot lasted for a long time.

Keillor, on the other hand, may be allergic to grass, and did not want to pose for us.

With the arrival of spring come two major events: Air Band and the Keeneland poker party. Even though it didn't start until after their bedtime, the twins supported Air Band with their shirts.

Emaline also celebrated the coming arrival of Grammy and Pawpaw Dee by sporting a Keeneland hat. While the twins will be spending some time with the Grands, Mommy and Daddy will be gambling and drinking beer and wine. Fair trade, we think.

Standing Up For Herself

2010-03-29T21:22:00.000-04:00

Emaline is mastering her legs. She can easily pull up and is working on trying to balance herself. She gets fuming angry when she lets go and has to latch back on to keep herself from falling. Sometimes she falls. She gets right back up though, determined to stand on her own.

Seeing this determination, Keillor is trying to follow in his sister's footsteps. However, he is much heavier and has a lower center of gravity. Not as determined, he gives up and crawls into the other room to get into trouble. This might mean hiding in the dining room, or just crawling into his tunnel.

We broke out the Pack-N-Play for playing this week. We took the twins out on the back porch while we worked in the yard. Covered in sunblock and hidden underneath an umbrella, they played together, or rather they stole toys from each other for an hour.

They are enjoying eating more every day (well, most days). Keillor is still trying to figure out the difference between eating and playing with his spoon. Maybe he's trying to eat the spoon. At any rate, he likes to bite down on it and squinch one eye shut like a pirate.

We have also started a new routine before bedtime: brushing teeth. At first they were...let's just say not interested in having toothbrushes shoved in their mouths. Now they enjoy it. We just have to remember to brush every night.

Keillor Crawled and Pulled Up--It is On!

2010-03-21T11:34:00.001-04:00

The day after Emaline crawled, Keillor started crawling. They don't like to do anything alone.
Later that day, I pulled Keillor out of the tub, got him dressed for bed, and put him on the floor. I got Emaline and was drying her off when I turned around and saw Keillor climbing onto the fireplace hearth to get the toy train my dad made for him. I turned to go after him, but I couldn't leave a naked baby on a changing table. At that point, Aimee emerged from the bathroom in a towel and ran to get Keillor. We have plenty of time to baby-proof the house.
Emaline has mastered pulling up, and is now trying to figure out how to take the next step. She gets really frustrated when she tries to move her feet and falls down. Actually, just now, in the middle of typing this, Emaline, playing at my feet, just pulled herself up and lifted on leg (not to pee like a dog, but to take a step forward). I tried to help, but she doesn't want help. She wants to do it all by herself. I have pictures, but not loaded on the computer, so you'll have to wait.
They tried yogurt this morning. The freeze-dried astronaut yogurt is not their favorite, but Emaline chowed down on strawberry yogurt. Keillor was not too interested, but he ate a couple of bites. Other new foods include
lasagna--not so much
broccoli and cheese--yummy
custard--can't get enough

The sippy cups is still a device too complicated for the twins. They love to play with the cups and chew on them, but as for drinking from them, we're still working on that skill.

We have been running with the kids a couple of times so far. They like the wind in their hair. They're not so sure about the sun glasses.

Emaline Crawls

2010-03-15T13:22:00.000-04:00

Our baby girl crawled across the floor on Friday like she had been doing it for months. She just decided she wanted a toy and went after it. I grabbed the video camera and caught it. Watch out world; here comes Emaline.

Other notable firsts:

Keillor is actually starting to eat consistently. Breakfast oatmeal is probably the most successful meal--although today I added his vitamins to the oatmeal and he stopped eating. He likes cous cous and chicken and apples.

They ate their first dessert. While they have been eating fruit, we gave them pudding for dessert on Sunday. Big hit. They love pudding.

On the talking front, we are still only getting seemingly random "dadadada" out of them.

They had their first play date with Henry Webb. Henry brought his parents over on Saturday. He hit Keillor in the head with a ball. This is the beginning of a budding friendship.

Daylight saving time is going to be an adjustment. Sunday's schedule was out of whack. This morning was OK--although we did think we would have to wake Keillor up.

Did I mention that Emaline crawled?

Nine months and all is well

2010-03-09T13:14:00.000-05:00

The twins earned high marks at their nine-month check-up. Keillor's head (83rd percentile) remains too large for his body (34th percentile). Emaline is above-average in all areas except weight. High iron levels. Low lead levels. Wiper fluid and oil levels also good.

Besides the occasional ear infection, the food transition seems to be the most difficult issue to deal with. We are supposed to have them on a three-meal-a-day cycle by 12 months, with consistent progression towards big kid foods. Emaline is winning the food race. She can take down a container of stage 2 foods followed by a six-ounce bottle and a handful of Puffs. Keillor is still in the practice stage. He is trying to get his mouth to work with his tongue. His most recent meal did not end in a screaming fit, which is progress.

If another person asks me if they are crawling yet...

They are working on it. They can get where they want to go—I just wouldn't call it crawling.

However, I will no longer bristle when someone asks if they are sitting up on their own. Yes, they are. They can also bring themselves from a prone position to a sitting position.

They have been on two runs so far. Aimee wants them to have run 100 miles before they can walk. As the babies get bigger, Mommy and Daddy want to get smaller.

I'm sure there's more to say, but I just can't think of anything right now.

Like and Dislikes

2010-02-15T16:24:00.000-05:00

For twins, our babies are sure different. They don't even look that much alike.

Emaline likes big-girl food she can eat with a spoon.
Keillor would rather eat his bib.
Emaline likes her pacifier.
Keillor would rather eat his bib.
Keillor likes people.
Emaline likes people she knows.
Emaline likes having her ears cleaned.
Keillor hates having his ears cleaned.
Keillor likes lying on his back in the bathtub and kicking his feet.
Emaline likes to sit straight up and reach for toys.
Keillor cries when Daddy sneezes.
Emaline cries when anyone touches her nose.
Keillor likes his sippy cup.
Emaline likes throwing her sippy cup.
Keillor likes Peek-a-Boo.
Emaline likes to sit quietly in her crib and stare at her hands.
Emaline likes to touch faces.
Keillor likes to pull hair, scratch, and bite people.
Keillor likes trying to talk.
Emaline prefers to sing.
Emaline tries really hard to crawl.
Keillor prefers to roll.
Emaline has small, dainty hands and feet.
Keillor has meaty paws.
Keillor likes Pulp Fiction.
Emaline thinks Quentin Tarantino is overrated and prefers Robert Rodriguez.
Keillor is Emaline’s favorite person.
People are Keillor’s favorite person.

Teeth, Dada, and Dr. Ferber

2010-01-31T12:30:00.000-05:00

Emaline's two bottom teeth are coming in quite nicely. They are as sharp as razors and are good for cutting through peas, carrots, and milk. Keillor has one tooth coming in quickly, and a sluggish one.

Keillor is quite advanced and is already saying, "da da"; at least, that's what I think he is saying. You decide:

We finally decided the babies are old enough, so last week we started the Ferber Method. While we are still working out a few kinks, they are learning to self-soothe and go to sleep on their own. It takes anywhere from five to fifteen minutes, only a couple of which are full of screams.

People keep asking if they are crawling yet. Sort of. Emaline can get on all fours easily, but can't seem to go forward. She crawls backwards though. We are working on installing a device that beeps when she's in reverse. Keillor has no interest in crawling. He would rather roll. I have been told that I did not like to crawl, but rolled around until I started walking. As I type this, Emaline is practicing crawling, while Keillor is on his back with his legs wrapped around hers so she can't move.

Christmas

2010-01-07T09:12:00.000-05:00

Christmas break was both a horrific nightmare and a fun time for all. Keillor started the break with a double ear infection and a case of RSV. Emaline had a cold (which seems to have returned).

Keillor gets nebulized

With a prescription for amoxicillin and a nebulizer for his screaming—I mean breathing—treatments, we got him on the road to recovery, just in time to drive to Alabama two days late. The drive down was actually nice. The kids slept until we got to Nashville, enjoyed a leisurely lunch at Cracker Barrel, and slept again until Huntsville. The crying started once we got into Birmingham traffic. Hey, if you’re going to have a car with two screaming babies, might as well be during Christmas shopping rush hour on the busiest highway in Alabama.
I should back up. Before leaving, the kids got their present from Grandmommy and Granddaddy, a Jumparoo. This is their most prized possession.

Keillor shows off his Jumparoo skills

We ended up getting a second-hand Jumparoo, and now the kids can jump and talk to each other. Keillor is a fan of the jumping part, while Emaline prefers all of the gadgets on board. We ended up buying a car-top carrier so that we could carry all of their stuff with us. The Jumparoo came along, as did their Bumbos, play mat, bouncy seats, Pack-and-Play, and about a hundred other odds and ends.
In Birmingham, they stayed with Grammy and PawPaw Dee. As usual, sleeping was an issue, but they seemed to be tuckered out at the end of every day.

Keillor asleep on the floor under the Christmas tree

They were excited to get more presents including a talking puppy dog, a bilingual LeapFrog music center, books, and a baby doll (which Emaline immediately fell in love with).

Emaline loving on her baby doll

They spent the day at GaGa and GeeGee’s where they played with Keillor’s GaGa-made wooden train and Emaline’s GaGa-made bassinet (for her baby doll or Raggedy Ann). They also saw the glimmering lake.

Keillor plays with his GaGa-made train

Emaline pretends she is a doll to try out her GaGa-made bassinet

Aimee and I got some baby-free time to go shopping for a few hours. That was different.
The twins got to Skype with their Arizona grandparents and Uncle Keil. While they may not have been sure what they were looking at, they like to watch screens that light up. Hearing their voices was a nice treat.
The drive home was eventful. Well, the only event was the nearly-constant screaming of our two angels. Guess they didn’t want to come home.
To see more photos of all of their Christmas fun, go to our Picasa site.

Thanksgiving

2009-11-27T20:19:00.000-05:00

This year we gave thanks to peas. We finally found a food the babies both like. They will not remember their first Thanksgiving, but thanks to Sony, they won't have to.

Laughing Babies

2009-11-23T19:18:00.000-05:00

Where to begin? Keillor is over 16 pounds, with Emaline not far behind. They are still not big fans of eating with a spoon, but we have been practicing. We haven't found a food they like yet, although Emaline did laugh her way through a bowl of carrots--most of them ended up on her bib. Bananas got scowls. Green beans earned looks of anguish. We hear peas tend to be baby favorites. We'll see.
Bath time is everyone's favorite time of day. Emaline likes to lean into the water and drink it. Keillor likes to lay on his back and kick. I have great video of him swimming, but Aimee won't let me put it on the blog on account of his bird showing and all. Still, you can imagine a naked little boy doing the backstroke.
After bath time, they are ready for bed, even if they haven't finished their dinner. Many a night, Keillor sleep eats like he's on an Ambien bender.
They are up at 5 a.m. (if not sooner), and ready for breakfast. It's amazing how absolutely and completely happy I am to see them in the morning when we wake up, or in the afternoon when I pick them up from daycare. Sure, I'm happy to put them to bed and drink a glass of wine, but seeing them is this amazing experience every single time.
Updating this blog is much easier when we don't have 5,000 other responsibilities. We used to keep a journal, too. So much for that. Now we're asleep by 8:30, speaking of which...
I have been trying to take plenty of photos and video. I have captured them laughing, playing with their feet, looking at each other, and pooping.
Here is a little taste (of video, not poop):

H.A. double L. O. W. double E. N. spells Halloween

2009-11-06T07:14:00.000-05:00

Henry Webb brought his folks over to our house on Halloween. The plan was to go to the Wilmore Treats on Main festival and show off our progeny. However, as soon as we got them fed and into their costumes, they were asleep.
We spent Halloween eating chili and talking at the kitchen table. The chirrun spent it sleeping.
Still, we put them in their costumes the next day so we could take photos.
The end of Daylight Saving Time (or the beginning--I forget) had no effect on the twins. They still went to sleep at the same time and woke up at the same time. Of course, we tried to tell them that the time changed, but they didn't listen: "It's four o'clock in the morning," I'd say. "No, daddy, it's five," they'd reply. They just don't get it. This time change may have been a blessing though. They have been going to sleep at 6:30 instead of 7:30, but for the past couple of days, they have been waking up between 5 a.m. and 6. Sleepy babies.

More from the Mind of Grandmommy

2009-10-19T15:16:00.000-04:00

Emaline Bot Malfunction

2009-10-16T07:35:00.000-04:00

We first began to suspect Emaline might be a robot when her diaper smelled like battery acid. Then there was the time we could have sworn she said, "affirmative." This video leaves no doubts that not only is she a cyborg baby, but she is malfunctioning.

Mommy Monkey Madness

2009-10-15T19:15:00.000-04:00

Mommy Mau and Monkey try to teach the twins how to roll over.

2009-10-12T19:52:00.000-04:00

Keillor saw this show on Discovery Channel about performance artists on the Vegas strip. He really liked the one with the guy who escaped from a lycra tube. He is now practicing his own performance, which he calls "Chrysalis." We want to support our children, so we told him we'd put it on the blog.

Grandmommy the Artist

2009-10-11T12:46:00.000-04:00

Grandmommy has branched out artistically, and can now add graphic design to her resume. Below are some of her most recent works. Please enjoy:

Rice Cereal and Sleep Routines

2009-10-10T10:31:00.000-04:00

At their four month check-up last week, the twins checked out A-OK. Emaline weighed 13 pounds, 1.8 ounces, was 23 ¾ inches long, and her head was 40.5 cm around. She’s right around the 35th percentile—and that’s for full-term formula-fed singleton babies (in your face FFSB’s).
Keillor weighed 13 pounds, 5.5 ounces, was 24 inches long, and had a head circumference of…wait for it…wait for it…42 cm. He must have the strongest neck muscles of any baby because it must take sinews of steel to lift that melon. While his weight puts him in the 21st percentile, he is in the 41st percentile for cranium size. I hope he doesn’t end up looking like a Brats doll.

Keillor wears a hat to hide his giant brain box

The pediatrician recommended starting Keillor on rice cereal once a day—his tongue is working overtime, and he may be starting to cut teeth. While he likes the rice cereal, it is no substitute for good old fashioned mommy milk. He has to have four ounces before he will eat the cereal. I use the term “eat” loosely, as much of it goes down his chin or onto his fingers. Of course, he does lick the cereal off his fingers, which is the polite thing to do.

Keillor decides he wants to work the spoon

Emaline is not sure about the cereal yet. Still, she is the one who sleeps through the night. Even with a warm bath, full bottle, and bowl of cereal, he is still waking up between midnight and 3 a.m.. This isn’t every night. Every so often, he will trick us and sleep for nine hours.
Establishing a sleep routine with twins is difficult, especially since they spend the day at daycare, but we’ll get there eventually.

Emaline practices pushups during Tummy Time

Tummy Time is much more enjoyable for all. Keillor has been practicing rolling over. He can roll left and right. Emaline is working on push-ups. Tummy Time for her used to mean screaming face-plant time. As for rolling over, she almost did it yesterday. I’ll give her one more week. Geez, I sound like I’m talking about dogs.

Emaline stares at herself in the mirror, while Keillor does his trick

Hey, that's the kid from daycare

2009-09-21T14:40:00.000-04:00

I have a theory on why it takes so long for our children to recognize each other. They spend every day together all day. They don't see us that much, yet they have been smiling at us for weeks now.
Here goes: until that point where they look over and smile at the other kid, they don't see that entity as separate from themselves. Keillor is just like Emaline's arm. She is like his leg. These body parts are here, they act independently, and sometimes we get spit-up on them. Then one day we realize that we can control them. This hand can be used to wipe my nose. I can put this one in my mouth. These feet kick things. This, whateveryoucallit, keeps looking at me. Wait, maybe it's not part of me. Maybe it's like the feeder, the rocker, and the diaper changer.

Responsible parents that we are, we set Emaline and Keillor on the couch while we made their bottles. First, Emaline, who was the first to realize that her hands are good for hitting and eating, looked over at her brother. Then Keillor returned the volley, and added a sweeping arm motion.

Button stares at Bug

Their first communication as distinct beings began. My mom, their dear Grandmommy, created a fictional dialogue using these photos. I would put it on the blog, but Grandmommy included a

Keillor sees his sister.

word that, while hilarious, I cannot share with the public. If you want her to share it with you, e-mail her at judie_mcewen@msn.com.

We have had other revelations, but I have been way too busy to update this blog. First, Keillor is a fan of television. Uh, oh. Secondly, they love bedtime stories. The Amazing Tales of Keillor and Emaline send the twins into a dreamy stupor, especially the story of the Sleep Maker, which they have heard a million times already. Finally, they really do look like twins. People are always talking about how Emaline is obviously a girl and Keillor is obviously a boy (again, that's judie_mcewen@msn.com), but get them matching outfits, and the cute factor increases exponentially.

Awe. Are they twins? Do twins run in your family?

I'll leave you with this image:

Sixteen weeks ago, our children were tiny, red, wrinkled knobs of flesh that cried, ate, slept, and peed. They were covered tip to toes with hair and were barely strong enough to use their arms and legs. Keillor was as yellow as Maggie Simpson. Next week is their official four-month birthday. So much development in such a brief period of time. I think I'm going to cry.

Holy Diaper, Batman

2009-09-06T12:55:00.001-04:00

I have been to the heart of darkness.

I can still remember their first poops: black, tarry meconium requiring many wipes. Then came the odorless mustard--gross looking and quick to stain, but relatively easy to wipe up. The worst thing about this period was that they pooped every time they ate. Emaline would projectile poop as well. Big deal.

Rice cereal changed everything. Rice cereal makes baby bowels turn into cauldrons of demon potion. The date: September 4, 2009. That was the day that my daughter made me choke. Her poop, the consistency of Grey Poupon, smelled like the only things she had eaten the previous week were onions dipped in mustard. The first wave made me wince. Then the tears began to flow. I tried to make my arms as long as possible, using the tiniest sliver of peripheral vision to avoid eye contact with what can best be described as liquid hatred.

Then came Keillor's poop. His was the consistency of peanut butter, smeared on thick and deadly, an odor brewed over a week's time in the darkness of his tiny colon. I changed two diapers recently, one at midnight, and the other this morning. While both maintained their individual textures and aromas, neither was as putrid as the first AR (in the year of rice cereal) poops.

I have two questions: 1) How can two babies who came from the same womb and eat the same diet have such distinct (emphasis on stinc) bowel movements? and 2) Why do they always do this when I am the one changing the diaper? Aimee can't even remember the last time she changed a poopy diaper. I'm not complaining. She does plenty. I'm just questioning the universe's plan for me.

My sweet children making evil in their diapers

Emaline pretending her Bumbo is a toilet

Keillor belying his true intention to destroy my olfactory sense

Sleeping, Sweet Sleeping

2009-08-26T15:11:00.000-04:00

5:15—That’s what time my perfect little son woke up this morning. Not 3 a.m. Not 2 a.m. FIVE FIFTEEN. He went to bed at 8:30 p.m. That’s over eight hours. Yesterday, Emaline woke up at 4:15. Keillor was still asleep. This morning, Emaline woke up at 5:45. We are working towards our goal of 6:45. Just last week they were waking up in the middle of the night. Two weeks ago, we might have fed them twice in the middle of the night. Before that it was every three hours. Before that every two hours. Right now they are well-fed and swinging in their swings. Then it’s off to daycare with Miss Kay.

Keillor awaits his breakfast

Emaline imagines her life as a nun

Keillor enjoys bath time

Keillor poses for his Glamour Shot

Emaline rocks out in her bouncy seat

I Hate Hospitals

2009-08-18T15:10:00.000-04:00

We continue to get bills from the birth of our children. We recently received an itemized bill which breaks down the $12900.39 it cost for our daughter to be born and, as best I can figure, the $4469.54 it cost for our son to be born. To be fair, she is bigger.
Among the descriptions are four charges for the newborn nursery, each $458.00. These are for the two hours or so Emaline spent in the nursery in the middle of the night. $458. $458. Did she at least get a continental breakfast and a gift certificate for the spa?
Keillor spent 24 in the newborn nursery under UV lights to lower his bilirubin level. Know how much they charged for that? Wait for it...$458. No, wait. There are also two charges for $26.19 for "Bilirubin Total." Is that a cereal for kids with jaundice? You only have to eat two bowls of Bilirubin Total to equal the amount of UV in 10 bowls of Bilirubin Raisin Bran.
You know who also sent us bills? The doctors at the hospital. That's right. We got billed by the doctors, too. Everyone has to get his.
We have to take Keillor to the pediatrician today for his congestion. It's then off to sell a kidney--mine, not his.

Running for Office

2009-07-26T22:31:00.001-04:00

Inspired by watching CNN at Grammy and PawPaw's, Keillor decided that he wants to run for office. He tossed around the idea of local government, but "alderman" just doesn't have the right ring to it. He is going to run for the senate, and not the state senate. No, he's going federal.
He plans on unseating Mitch McConnell.
To prepare for his run, he asked me to shoot some publicity photos. He said he wanted to appear folksy yet patriotic.
In this first photo, he went for the misty-eyed dreamer who sees a bright future for America.

In this photo, he looks toward the moon, a symbol for man's future discoveries.

Keeping young and urban, he prepares for a fist-pound.

Pets VS Kids

2009-07-25T13:36:00.000-04:00

We were always told that owning pets is good training for having kids. Boy, is this ever wrong. How?

Kids can’t use the litter box

You can’t bathe your kids outside with the hose (yet)

I’ve never had to wipe my dog’s rear end (of course, we have had to wipe the cat)

The kids refuse to eat out of a bowl on the floor

You can’t leave the kids at home while you go to a movie

Owning pets does not make your breasts sore

I do not have to burp my dog after she eats an ounce of food

If the dog wakes up every three hours, nobody cares

The dog’s never thrown up on my shoulder

The babies can’t sleep at the foot of the bed

Wrapping our pets up tightly does not make them go to sleep

The twins are 53 days old today. They have almost doubled their birth weight, are sleeping longer at night, and have found a way to make their poop stinkier. As I write this, I am in the guest room at Grammy and PawPaw Dee's house. Emaline is asleep on the bed next to her mommy (who is making their food). Keillor is eating his lunch. Uncle Tommy and Aunty Ruth just showed up. In a while, Gee Gee and Grandpa will be here, along with PawPaw Hal, Papa Cliff , MamMaw, Great Uncle Dave and Great Aunt Ro. Four generations together.

Our favorite times of the day:

2009-07-17T22:37:00.000-04:00

1) In the morning when they wake up (and by morning, I mean the 6:30-8:30 part of the morning, not the 1:30-3:30 part), and the sun is out, and they are stretching and screwing up their faces, and letting out adult sounding farts. I just want to hug them and kiss all over their faces.
2) In the middle of the day when they are both sound asleep and I can get something accomplished.
3) Bath time, when they are warm and sudsy. They get this look of nirvana on their faces when we pour warm water on their bellies. Keillor is a huge fan of bathing.
4) When I am holding one of them and he or she is asleep, their calm little faces snuggled into the crook of my arm, their little arms dangling. Equally perfect are the times when they fall asleep on our chests. Sometimes Emaline will grab hold of one of my fingers and sleep holding it.
5) Monkey time. Monkey wears Keillor’s old clothes and tells him stories, tickles him, and makes him smile. Emaline’s not into Girl Monkey yet.
6) Reading time. When they are lying down staring at the Black and White books like they are the most amazing images ever created.
7) When we are feeding them, and they are staring up at us intently, and we just know they love us.

Keillor reads his book

Monkey time

Bath time

Little Miss Em in the bath

While the white noise machine is nice, I have found a new ally in the fight against babies who should be asleep but are awake and crying: the vacuum. While the initial blast of noise is startling, the song of the vacuum quickly soothes the savage tot. Crying ceases, peepers close, and the only sound is a really loud vacuum. OK, so this works best during the day when the rest of us are awake, and it shouldn’t be used for sleeplessness lasting longer than four hours, but as a quick fix, the vacuum is golden. As I type with one hand, listening to the tones of my Hoover upright, I am holding a calm reclining tot who just minutes ago was screaming bloody murder for no apparent reason. Oh, wait, no, it was because despite the fact that she just ate, she heard the sound of her mother pumping more white gold, tot tea.

Keillor Sneezes

2009-07-15T10:22:00.000-04:00

A representative from the Jim Tate Talent Agency called this morning to let us know that a sound effects company wants to use Keillor's voice on their "Sounds of Babies" CD. We said yes, of course, because we are going through diapers faster than Bret Michaels through a bottle of Valtrex--thanks to Emaline's penchant for releasing a second and more deadly poop immediately after a diaper change (that's why we are going through diapers, not the Bret Michaels thing).

Keillor sneezes (track 2)

Got Milk?

2009-07-13T10:32:00.000-04:00

We couldn't believe it when we got a call from the Dairy Board. Emaline has been asked to be a milk model. Not even Suri Cruise is a milk model. It seems that a rep from the ad campaign saw one of Emaline's towel shots in Parenting Magazine and called her agent, Jim Tate.

Jim said that Emaline would get more jobs for little girls if she stopped losing her hair. This has been an issue of late. She looks more like Captain Picard than a baby girl. He directed us to a baby wig store that specializes in wigs for baby pattern baldness. While we have taken a couple of them home to see how they wear, we have not made any final decisions.

Meanwhile, Keillor has been reading, reading, reading his Tana Hoban books. No matter how many times he reads the books, it's like he's reading it for the first time. We're not sure if he's just that intrigued or has poor short-term memory.
On the reality front, the twins went up to Lexington to see Uncle Brad and Aunt Erika. They had a great time. They also got to see the Guinness Book of World Records largest baby in the world, Paul Schmelzer, who, at five months, weighs in at 18 pounds. That is two Emalines. Henry is trying to catch up to his cousin and started putting Beefcake 5,000 in his breast milk. So far, it seems to be working.

The twins are gearing up for their trip down south to Alabama. Keillor has been practicing saying "Yes, ma'am" and "ya'll," while Emaline has been adding Mountain Dew to her milk. We are sort of dreading the long car ride with two infants who will need to eat and get a diaper change every three hours.

Black and White

2009-07-11T10:21:00.000-04:00

Ellen Prasse gave us two books by Tana Hoban that are simply images in black and white. One of the books folds out. The twins are absolutely amazed by these books. The first time I opened up a book in front of Emaline, her eyes became silver dollars. She was mesmerized by the contrast and continued to stare at the book.

I opened one of them up and lay Keillor in front of it. He was equally impressed. Of course, after a while, they get over stimulated and must look away.
Emaline also discovered that she can swat at the dangly thing in her bouncy seat and it moves. I think that was more fun for me than it was for her.
At last weigh-in, Emaline was 8 lbs, 7 ounces. Keillor was 8 lbs, 1 ounce. I did weigh him after a meal though. They are finally beginning to fill out their car seats, which they have been using much more lately.
They have been to Aimee's office, the doctor, Aimee's doctor, and various other places where they just stayed in their car seats. Speaking of driving, we turned on a kid's radio station on Sirius and heard a song by Eric Stoltz (yes, the actor) called "Snuggle Puppy." Seriously.
We have also been taking them on daily walks around Wilmore either in their Bjorns or their stroller.
We bought a running stroller yesterday. Now all we need is one more and two babies who are big enough to fit in them comfortably.

The Many Faces of Keillor

The Underdog: Emaline at the Boxing Gym

More from Our Baby Journal

2009-07-07T21:20:00.000-04:00

The twins are asleep, Aimee is watching tv, and here I am blogging. Here are more selections from our journal, which we are filling up fast.

6/24, 1:35 a.m.—…I opened the dishwasher…and steam billowed out; only it wasn’t just steam. It was also smoke. A closer inspection found a rubber nipple smoldering in the bottom of the dishwasher, melted to the heating element.

6/27, 6:39 p.m.—Despite having new babies, we continue to find projects to work on rather than catching up on rest. Joey is working on cleaning up the floors in our dining room for sanding.

6/29, 8:45 a.m.—We took our twins for their longest walk yet this morning, probably about two miles…The kids were making goose honking noises, so we turned around and came home.

7/1, 9:55 a.m.—Dr.’s office. Keillor weighs 7 lbs, 2 ounces, “like a real baby,” says Aimee. “You know what it is? Ice cream. Mommy’s milk has lots of ice cream fat.”

7/3 10:36 a.m.—The twins are not so fond of the Pack-N-Play anymore. When we put them down to sleep in it, they will stay wide awake, tossing and turning. Eventually the screaming will start.
Yesterday we stayed in the living room and slept with the babies of and on all day long. We thought this would allow them to sleep better and allow us to get more sleep, thus making our middle-of-the-night routine easier. We were wrong.

7/3, 12:42 p.m.—You know you have infant twins when:
1) You put your deodorant on your shirt instead of your underarm (Joey did this, but at least he remembered to put on deodorant).
2) Going back to work sounds like a vacation.
3) You have been sprayed with poop so many times you just have to laugh.
5) You don’t know whether your baby is crying or your husband.

7/6, 9:01 a.m.—Today is their due date. If they were still in there today Aimee would have almost 16 pounds of baby in her.

Below is a video of the twins. It is really way too long and is more like a middle school kid using all of the features of Windows Movie Maker. I would stop watching it after about 30 seconds if I were you. Still...

The Many Faces of Emaline

2009-07-03T20:54:00.000-04:00

Keillor screams like a banshee. Emaline waits to poop until after her diaper is off. Keillor gets horrible gas pains and can't sleep on his back (or his front). Emaline makes noises constantly while she sleeps. Keillor cannot be soothed the same way twice. Emaline challenges the 5 S's to a cage match. Sometimes they want to eat every hour, no matter how much we feed them. They can go from sleeping soundly to screaming in .5 seconds. They know exactly when we want to take a nap. We are exhausted.

Keillor grins like a pirate. Emaline crosses her eyes when she eats. Keillor likes to sleep on our stomachs. Emaline grabs her bottle when she eats. Keillor looks like a monkey when I hold him on my arm. Emaline’s huge eyes are hidden by her long eyelashes. Sometimes they smile and we’re sure it’s not gas. They can be loaded up into Bjorns to go on long walks. They know exactly when we want to be reminded how lucky we are. We are in love.

Here is a video of Emaline. One of Keillor is in the works.

What Do You Do?

2009-06-29T17:12:00.000-04:00

What do you do with footage of babies being babies? Jazz them up a bit. I carried Emaline around with the video camera for a while. When I watched it, I was like, "Oh, great, it's my daughter doing nothing while some jerk shoves a camera in her face."
Then I thought, I could make this work.

Cherishing Every Minute

2009-06-28T11:23:00.000-04:00

Aimee and I are always reminding each other how perfect it was that the twins were born at the beginning of the summer. We are both able to be home with them. This may mean one of us gets to nap a little longer, or one can go to the grocery store. It allows us to update this blog, and video the kids. This morning Aimee worked out the yard while I fed the babies. Yesterday, I bathed the dog while she fed the babies. We get to have shared memories of their first couple of months of life. Lucky, lucky.

Because the twins are so advanced, they have been able to take on adult responsibilities such as Keillor's acting and space travel, and Emaline's modeling and boxing. We have been criticized for letting them grow up too quickly, but we feel that we need to grab these opportunities as they come. I know the twins feel the same.

The Gemini that Emaline is, she has dropped boxing and has gone back to modeling, filming this ad for the baby perfume (Eu du petite toilette) Baby Face. Please enjoy.

Keillor's in Space, Emaline's in the Ring

2009-06-26T18:06:00.000-04:00

Inspired by his David Bowie onesie, Keillor has decided that he wants to be an astrotot. Of course, when he went on his first voyage, he didn’t just bring the one outfit, but many ch-ch-ch-changes. We sent him with SpaceMilk, which is really just freeze-dried breast milk that comes in a vacuum pack. He discovered that he could use his Dr. Brown’s vented bottle to transmit data back to earth. We hope to hear from him soon. Click on the image below to enlarge.

On the Emaline front, she has given up baby modeling for a more full-contact career in tot boxing. She was inspired by her mommy’s skills at Wii boxing. A member of the BBLA, Baby Boxing League of America, she is set to fight the World Diaperweight Champion, Lila “The Queen” King. Aimee almost put the kibosh on the whole boxing thing after Emaline came home with a black eye (The black eye is courtesy of Photoshop--Aimee made me put that), a diamond earring, and a tattoo, but she just looks so darn cute.

Sleep--Lovely Sleep

2009-06-25T19:41:00.000-04:00

All of the books say to keep the twins on the same eating and sleeping schedule. If one wakes up, wake the other one up. When one eats, feed the other. Since they are supposed to eat every three hours, the idea was to get them on a 9, 12, 3, 6, 9 schedule. We would get them up, change their diapers, feed them, put them down, rinse and repeat. This is supposed to keep us from being up all night. Until last night, the twins cared not about whatever schedule we tried to impose on them. Keillor might wake up after an hour, screaming as if he had not eaten in days. Emaline would be sound asleep, but we would wake her up to eat with her brother. She would then not go back to sleep.
The strict schedule out, we would just follow the lead of the baby who woke up first. This might have worked for a day or so. They were best during the day. They would eat at the same time and sleep at the same time.
Our little vampire babies came alive at night. Once, when I picked Emaline up to change her, she tried to attach to my neck. I had to check for pointy gums.
Our headstrong tots were in control, and they didn't want us to sleep at night.
That is until yesterday. We fed them at 11:30 p.m., put them down at midnight, and they slept soundly without a peep until 3:30 when they woke up at the same time. We fed them, put them back to bed at 4 a.m., and they woke up at 7:30 a.m. Was the curse of the screamy preemies broken? Will we get sleep tonight? Only time will tell.

Photos galore at Picasa.

Ever since we moved to Wilmore, the water maple in the front yard has towered precariously over the house, dropping limbs during every storm.
Because most of the tree hangs over the nursery, we paid big bucks to have it removed. We no longer have to worry about the tree crashing down on our babies.
After taking down half of the tree, the tree guy said, "I'm surprised this tree hasn't come down on your house. It's hollow."
Of course, now there is no shade at all on that side of the house. I'd rather have bright sun in the morning than a crushed house.

Feeding the Tot

2009-06-24T08:54:00.001-04:00

Keillor and I took part in the filming of a documentary for Baby Discovery Channel. Below is the final cut of the documentary as it will appear. The money we earned from this project allowed Keillor to quit his day job washing dishes. He will remain the house screamer for the graveyard shift, much to the displeasure of his parents.

Because of the heat from the lights, the filmmakers could not use breast milk, but instead used Elmer's glue. The glue maintains its viscosity and color under the lights, unlike the milk, which appears yellow. The production company doctor said that Keillor should pass the glue with no problem, and that it may prepare him for eating paste later in life.

Additionally, the director thought that we should use a baby wig on Keillor as his hair is still coming in. Aimee balked at that idea, so we opted for Just for Babies hair tint to make his locks seem fuller and more radiant.

Child Exploitation

2009-06-23T19:36:00.001-04:00

Due to the struggling economy and the price of diapers, Keillor was forced to get a job to earn his keep in the Mau house. They ain't just givin' breast milk away, kid.

We had to find a place that ignored child labor laws, so we went on Craigslist.

And I thought Craigslist was just for robbing hookers.

Keillor ended up scoring a great j.o.b. at BottleBrushers, an establishment that cleans and sanitizes bottles and accessories. In the photo, you can see Keillor is embarrassed, but hard working. Donning his infant hair net and Cool Cat dish washing bib, he toiled for eight hours straight.

Emaline found less dish-pan-handsy employment as a baby bath towel model. The modeling agency said she is a bit too chubby for the Calvin Klein towels, so we are trying to get her back down to her birth weight. Raising babies is hard work, but with the help of Tyra Banks, we think we're doing O.K.

Week Four Begins

2009-06-22T12:51:00.000-04:00

We saw Adrian's and Patricia's blog, Boston LeBuffes, so we decided to create one of our own. We're totally copying the cool kids.
Tomorrow marks the beginning of the twins' fourth week with us, and they aren't even due until July 6th. We tried sticking them back in, but since they came out through the emergency exit, a four-inch slit in Aimee's belly, we couldn't use the main entrance. Aimee just reminded me that this blog might be viewed by our parents, co-workers, and friends, so I can't use dirty words.
This is the perfect forum for all of the advice that parents like to give future parents but that future parents either don't want to or don't need to hear. We can also class-up the internet with photos of our tots, who are looking less like shaved monkeys and more like humans.
For our first post, I will share some highlights from our baby journal:
6/2/09, 12:01 a.m.--We are at UK Hospital. At about 11:10, Aimee's water broke.
8:13 a.m.--Aimee got to use a bedpan for the first time.
5:29 p.m.--Turns out Dr. Teenager didn't measure right the first time, but nurse Courtney said Aimee is 3 cm dilated now.
7:24 p.m.--We scheduled a c-section
11:50 p.m.--I was going to sleep but every noise sends me straight up in "bed." They were born at 8:13 and 8:16.
6/3/09, 10:40 p.m.--...Then there's La Femme Nikita, who is trying to steal Keillor from us. I can't get him to eat 15 ml, but La Femme Nikita can get him to eat 20. I think she's secretly breastfeeding him.
6/5/09, 6:40 a.m.--Phew. We got some sleep last night. Personality Plus brought the babies to the nursery at about 10:45 and didn't bring them back until right before 6.
11:00 a.m.--Keillor's Billy Reuben level is up. They have him under a blue light to prevent jaundice. Aimee calls it Malibu.
12:45 p.m.--I have given them nicknames: Emaline is Button, and Keillor is Bug, 'cause she's cute as a button and he's cute as a bug. Don't judge. I'm still a man.
6/7/09, 10:02 a.m.--We got released from the hospital yesterday afternoon. When we got home, we had cat puke, animal fur, bills. We then had to figure out how to live without nurses, get sleep, and try to live normal lives.
6/8/09--First Trip to the Doctor--We went to see Dr. Wilson today. She gave the twins a once-over, declared them fit for service, and sent us on our way.
6/10, 3:43 a.m.--So sleepy. Keillor peed through yet another diaper (Huggies! You Goonies!), sleep sack, and swaddling blanket. Then during his feeding, he pooped the runniest yellow mess ever, only to follow that up with a mid-changing poop that was even runnier.
6/12, 10:45 a.m.--We have regained birth weight.
10:29 p.m.--There is a great deal of anticipation and excitement that comes with pregnancy. This is still present during parenthood, more so than during pregnancy, but your mind just has to adjust to the whole thing...My love for Keillor and Emaline is already so great despite their being only 11 days old.
6/13/09, 7:56 p.m.--They both lost their umbilical cords today.
6/16/09, 9:15 a.m.--Dr. Straub said of Keillor's penis, "Keep Vaseline on the end of his bird until he's in college or out of diapers."
6/17/09, 6:48 a.m.--Last night was awful. Horrible. Please don't make us go through that again. OK, so no one was sick or got hurt or anything like that, but no one slept either. They were up every hour, crying, hungry, dirty diapers.
6/18/09, 3:10 a.m.--It happened again. We both woke up believing that we were holding babies. Aimee was sitting straight up in bed looking down at an invisible baby.
10:09 a.m.--Aimee said this morning, "I haven't cried in a few days."
1:30 p.m.--In a stupor last night, after hearing our kids make their chirping sounds, we realized why the sounds were so familiar: it is Riverspeak, the native language of the Ohio Valley River People. It is a scary realization when at 1:30 in the morning, you figure out that you may have spawned a river child, one of the most feared feral children of the midwest.
6/21/09, 9 a.m.--We are officially bad parents. One of the first rules of responsible parenting is not to fall asleep with the baby, either holding the baby or with the baby on your chest, or feeding the baby. We've done all three.
11:00 a.m.--I need to remember that I will make mistakes, but if I love my children, they will grow up to be happy, healthy human beings...and then we can blow up this planet and fly home.